Well hello. The usual, it has been a long time since I have posted. Perhaps it is overindulgence in making music, perhaps it is a coping strategy or perhaps it is the first time in my life that I feel included, accepted and celebrated. Maybe that is the real pull towards it.

A year ago, on black Thursday, I bought myself a guitar. Not any kind of guitar but a Fender. I was hooked. I decided if the band I was rehearsing with didn’t want me, I would start making my own music and dammit – all, get on stage.

Apparently, people see me as a performer. Not only do I want to play, but I want to be on stage. Even though it brings me anxiety initially, I get on stage and set up and feel home. I have to work on that anxiety.

I spoke to a girl at a jam and talked about my anxiety. Excitement and anxiety feel the same I have discovered to be true. This girl/woman/ said, 

“If you are busy worrying about your turn you are not in the moment.”

It is true. I can zone out the performer and sit there feeling anxious/excited, I am not living in the moment and when you focus your attention on yourself, you are missing out on enjoying the person on stage. So I work really hard on this now, and those words “stay in the present” have been etched in my head.

Some other words,

“Christie, we don’t want you to die, we want you around.” 

-Slight topic change, but very important.

After my mom passed I started looking at things differently. I decided I needed help with my “eating disorder” that has been with me all my life, and maybe my biggest role model actually had issues with that.

So, I talked to my psychiatrist and asked for help, a referral to an eating disorder program. I was told there was a long waitlist, but I waited. Then my Doctor decided that because I was dealing with Cancer, I didn’t need to focus on it. I say,

“Doctor, this is even more important, I am now needing to take care of my body.I need help to do this”

Throughout my cancer I spoke of eating as an issue, I spoke with my family dr. I found out later that I had three referrals to an eating disorder program.

The initial step was to have a video chat and consult with the eating disorder team. The meetings were long, and tiring, it was two days, two hours each time.

I received the diagnosis of Anorexia, subtype of binge/purge. I also was given diagnosis of anxiety, which not long ago I talked to my shrink about.

I had written an email to my shrink that I felt I needed anti-anxiety. I am on enough bipolar meds, yet I was still having anxiety and it has gotten worse. I researched meds for anxiety and found one I felt was suitable. So with a page letter, I say “Can we try this?” And she agreed. I have had some relief. But still not quite enough it seems.

I have chipped my front tooth, and recently just fractured a tooth that I will be getting pulled at the end of the month. I can’t afford a root canal, but it is way back, a molar I think.

Severe bruxism is what I have. It has been really bad this past year. What is it? I grind and clench my teeth, but not just at night, as I now wear my retainer I had from having braces.

I clenched so hard that I crushed my tooth during the day. And this is with a full dose of anxiety meds that I take throughout the day.  I have noticed some relief in clenching, but I need more help with that I think. Buspirone is the med I am on, nothing like Ativan, it isn’t a rescue med, It is a treatment med, like an antidepressant.

My thoughts are a bit better, relationship thoughts are very difficult for me, both with my partner and my friendships so I can’t get away from it. I can’t free myself and just be on my own when I don’t have to deal with feeling anxious around people.

Perhaps my anxiety has skyrocketed from my apt with the eating disorder people and the results.

I am on the waitlist for inpatient treatment. I didn’t think I was thin enough to be taken seriously, but I know my thoughts have always been severe. Long-standing, I have ‘grown up” with it since childhood. Maybe, role model, I know it has something to do with it, things that I was told, like I was big boned, like hold in your stomach, like my role model being underweight and restrictive. I have to break that cycle.

I told my kids, my daughter is more expressive, this is how our convo went, 

Me: Daughter, I need your support, I am scared.”

Daughter: Mom, I am so proud of you, I never thought you would get help.

Me: Really? Was it that apparent growing up?

Daughter: Yes.

Me: I am going to be in the hospital for 4-6 weeks or more.

Daughter:  Looks straight at me in our video chat, 

“Good! Finally! I am so happy, Mama, I am so proud of you.”

That warmed my heart. Felt a bit guilty that I was a role model that had so much emphasis on body image problems, but I thought I hid it well.

Well, no I didn’t. So here I am repeating the cycle I felt growing up. Fuck, I got to do something about this.

But I am terrified. I am so terrified of gaining weight, that I just told my husband, 

“I don’t think I will be able to be in our relationship when I gain weight.”

I think my value is being sexy and thin. (I am not thin enough. Maybe if I lose another 6 pounds and have a BMI similar to someone with Anorexia, certainly I would feel thin enough because getting myself under “Normal weight” isn’t enough. I want to be thinner than what I am now.

However, and this is the pull for me, my musician friends don’t weigh me. They don’t care If I haven’t dyed my hair and have silver hair sprouting. I even asked, “If I want to be on stage as a rock star, can I do it with Grey hair?”

I was told I have the whole package, the drive, the obsessiveness, the willingness to take chances, the ability to fall but still get up, my character, and my importance to help others out with inspiration.

I have been told I am inspiring. What a wonderful feeling. Not,  “Hey you are sexy”, or ”Hey I want to have sex with you. “ But me. I inspire others. So I have this thinking,

At fifty years old, I decided to take on a hobby that has led me to all sorts of paths. I am a novice guitar player, and I am not really stage-worthy. But my spirit shows, my braveness shows, I have been told that. My hard work is noticed, and I get that feedback.

So, this is where the hair dyeing thing comes from. If I inspire people by being on stage, what else can I inspire them with?

An acceptance of women aging. The ability to leave the “I need to look young to be a rockstar.” -or even to be loved

You know, I want this. I want people to see me and say, wow, she can, and so can I. Maybe my package of the “rock star” isn’t all about appearances, I want people to see the inside of me, not just the outside. I want my mentality to be “I am a rock star, even natural.” It is ok for men to age, I am going to make it ok for women too.” 

I miss my dyed hair and feeling all put together, cause grey hair is messy and unappealing. Too fucking bad. I am on stage. I have close connections to other musicians that tell me I am ok in my skin, and I really am fostering the “What is inside of me?”

My closest friend said, 

“You could gain 30 pounds and still not be fat.”

He wants me alive, it is more important to him that I am so determined to get good that it really doesn’t mean anything to have grey hair or to be heavier. I have the drive, I have the personality of someone who Is successful and brave enough to follow dreams and work at it. HE wants me healthy. He is the first person to treat me that I am more than just a shell, and he wants me to take care of my shell. He tells me I need more calories. He told me if I am going on stage and doing this I have to take care of my body. He tells me, 

“Christie, we don’t want you to die, we want you around, we love you, Christie.”

For a few days, I had been very restrictive as far as food intake. I was doing my own thing at home alone.

My heart started feeling funny, like shaky. I suddenly feared having a heart attack because I was starving my body. I say to myself, 

“I don’t want to eat, I want to lose more weight.”

But I actually got scared. I heard the words, “We don’t want you to die.” I hear words from my daughter, “Good you are going for treatment, I am proud of you mama.”

Imagine if I am so stupid as to risk my life over body image problems. Do you know or realize how awful and how self-centered that would be? Trapped in a mind full of appearances, and If I am thin enough I will be liked/ loved more. It is more than appearances though, it is a maladaptive coping strategy, just like smoking, drinking, and cutting. I am self-harming.

 Maybe I need to foster these thoughts,

I am a healthy rock star who is taking care of myself. I do my best to take care of my mind. Well, my mind needs food too. My mind needs to focus my energy on my insides, emotionally, spiritually, and socially, and to inspire others and teach what I know.

That sounds like living my purpose. My purpose in this world is not about how thin I can be, right?

Hope to update you again soon, have a great day, and thank you for reading.

`

-Christie

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: anxiety bipolar eatingdisorder mental health

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.