So much has changed yet not. I have been so busy, I don’t feel I have enough time in my day, maybe because I have always had space but my time is more occupied with my dad since my mom passed Ash Wednesday of this year.
I think it is leaving me a bit irritable to put it nicely. Neil had a perfect night lined up for us last night, and I just ruined it all with my flatness of mood, and again I bring up paranoia. Killed his mood, then I got bitchy about something else at 11 pm last night, so this is pretty fresh, unlike my last post that I have been hanging on to thinking I would write more later.
My medications have helped target one of my most destructive flaws that I, well we (Neil too) have been dealing with. I don’t want to go into details about paranoia, Maybe a most recent. But when I really think about it or want to tell Neil what’s on my mind, well I cringe. It’s always some overthinking about something that causes me stress
The other day Neil makes extra food,at my house (we don’t live together) and I don’t want it, I have already gained some weight, 7 pounds up from my lowest. My lowest is where I am happiest and maybe that’s another problem with my food. Anyways, I didn’t eat that night and Neil had to throw it out. SO then I said I am sorry, please don’t make extra for me for 2 weeks, I have to get control of my weight. See I have an eating disorder, always have it peeks every now and then and right now trying to keep my weight low, Also trying to be careful because it has to do with the olanzapine that the doctor started giving me when I was in my mixed mania phase. So that was one thing that set me off and I feel so bad, while I puttered around home, he was waiting for me with dinner he made. I ate a bagel and soup, for dinner (and a splurge because I try not to eat bread and pasta)
I ate. It was good. Love his cooking and he even went through the trouble of making me a veggie sauce, but did my mood go that way because of food and not wanting to eat it? Oh ya and I decided to buy some junk food. Something I, unfortunately, splurge on with Neil when we are together in the evening, which about that, I had a really hard time settling. Now I know why. I didn’t have enough time at my home to sit, to sing, to write, esp the writing it takes a lot of commitment to writing a journal entry and publishing it. Takes time.
Singing, yes I usually can fit a song or two in even if I am rushed.
But there is more about last night, Oh God it’s so stupid but it got in my head as time rolled on, somehow had myself believe some very wrong things and that came out last night when Neil said he forgot his bike key in his jeans.
My head made me believe that this was just another ploy to get me not riding either bike, mine in pieces waiting for a big bore installation, by Neil..and his R3 that is in my shed, i rode that last year and had planned to get on the R3 as my first ride of the season, get used to it right away instead of goin to my 125 cc bike. The R3 is a 300 something cc.
I am being stupid. Where exactly do these thoughts come from? Insecurity, trust issues, feeling like a burden (that is a new word for me to describe)
I am over-creative perhaps, I can see things clearly and I can tell a good story about what is going on in my head. Maybe someday you will read my book. (In process of)
Shitty really when my brain wants to pick up any detail to prove to me that my paranoia is justified.
Basket Case by Greenday. Check out the lyrics, I identify with it well, with a chuckle (..” melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it”)
But the truth ha.
Oh singing. I have done a couple more open mics and karaoke a couple of nights, stuff was open, well guess what? We went back into red zone stuff is closed again, so tired of the ups and downs on people’s livelihood, really seems, well, I am not going to voice my opinion on that. I do my part. And I am trying to support local bars and musicians as best I can. At one point last week we were allowed 10 people in gatherings in bars ect. Well there must have been an uproar because the next day they changed it again to 50, still no live bands or singing. Oh, I am getting side tract. And no I’m not really a conspiracy whatever I just have my thoughts.
Ya, my thoughts. My thoughts yell at me sometimes. It is hard to focus on a conversation and be able to retain info.
I am busy in my head when I walk in to my house and my son says “Your friend came and there is ……” on the counter. I see the bag, I open the bag, there is a card. Then go to Gavin and read it out and say how sweet it was. Then I go back to my music room (I am in my office right now) ( tell you all about it another time) and noticed the plant I yell out “Oh GAvin she brought a plant too”
He said, “I just told you.”
My head hangs down. I seem to be doing a lot of that. Like a puppy who has done wrong, I hang my head in frustration.
Neil loves me, Neil would do anything for me, Neil isnt out trying to hurt me, Neil is always around if I need him, even last night when I show up he has an opened cold beer and handed it to me (ZERO ALCOHOL). He was in a really good mood, and very chatty, I couldn’t keep up with Neil, and the music and the cooking. It was hard on my head, at one point I put my hands over my ears
“Are you alright? Neil asks
There is a big part of me that has changed for the better since my new med. Before the doctor put me in it I told her I was afraid of going psychotic because the paranoia was omg wrecking me, wrecking me and Neil. It was so bad.
It’s hard on Neil. I was awful last night. I should have stayed home. As a British might say I was a “miserable c*nt or miserable cow.” In my terms, I was being a bitch.
I also learned recently Is that I do need space, I do need an empty house, I do need to sleep alone, I do need to be able to sing loudly without worrying about what people think (my neighbour says “Great job on the singing”), that’s what I am goin to do after I am done.
Actually, I will be done now, I am already at 3 pages, as most usual.
Thank you for reading, Have a good week 🙂