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Putting My Foot Down. December 16, 2022

It was the final straw. I hit rock bottom. More than depression (which is bad enough) but suicidal ideation.  For those 15 minutes alone, for that 10-minute call with the distress center, with letters written to my doctors, with a message sent out to kids reaching for support. It finally hit me. My shadows have taken over. I have been fighting them for so long and I got to the place where I thought I had empowered myself, before crashing, so it was a bit of a double whammy, I was on the right path, I knew I had to do things, I knew I had to make changes but how? I spread positivity around, I make people feel grounded and I am bipolar, so a huge compliment, from someone who is also bipolar.

I started looking at Spiritual Awakening, as I have had some very interesting signs from the universe about change. My closest friend told me that change was coming, and I wrote a song suited for the moment it became a thought. And a thought became a song, and was from the heart and real. I had to think a lot about the song I wrote and ask myself. “What do you mean?”  “Why was he tapping into her soul?” Growth, the man stood for growth, because that is how change happens.

I start looking up things like Spiritual Awakenings, and I really felt I had that. I saw all sorts of signs, I am into numbers, moon phases, a random thought, some ringing in my ears. I say stop. What does this all mean? Oddly enough I start looking for positive affirmations, I am goin to learn more about myself so I can be better in the relationship, then I thought maybe the change was about my current relationship, and I started getting memes and quotes about leaving things behind that don’t suit your path. 10 years I have been with this man. 

My mind has been heavy- labelling and coming to terms with some of my shadows, I will leave a link for those of you who may be interested, but it is hard work, it can be emotionally tiring, and for some maybe scary.  Carl Jung talks about shadows. 

So here I am on the bus, the man said, in the video – with my earphones on, to find a quiet relaxed atmosphere. I was on the bus, I say “Ok try me” And I listen, and I allow myself to drift along. Later I realized that the bus was my comfort place and being home alone would not have been a great thing. Shadow work. The stuff you repress. The stuff that holds you back from being all you can be.

I am coming to terms but haven’t quite figured it out, how to proceed. 2 things I can say about myself, I have lacked self-esteem since I was a child and since I was a child I developed eating disorders and self-harm tendencies. I talk to my therapist about it. I am punishing myself. I ask myself why? I haven’t done anything wrong? Somehow I talk blame for everything, I have guilt trips about everything. I am unhappy with myself. I am reactive. How do I stop being reactive when I get triggers playing on my shadows, in my mind intentionally by people who claim to love me? 

I keep coming back to the same thing. Self-esteem, security in relationships, fear of rejection that is deep in my core. I am an odd cookie. I have no self-esteem in relationships, yet I can go on stage and play my guitar, seeing as I have recently accepted my gift. I have gifts for writing and singing and playing guitar. Those are the things I want to celebrate. Those are the things I want to fill my soul with, those are the people I want to hang out with and spend time talking about these sorts of things.

I recently learned something about my relationship, I have been looking for validation of my emotions for far too long and it isn’t goin to happen with this person. I become clingy, I become needy, I lose myself, she is gone, just a shell. NO NO Quite the contrary. Inside this shell is someone who is striving to be as best they can work with what they have, and learn how to manage it. I want to spread joy and hope, I want to post a meme saying “Hey you go this” I want to post the deeper stuff and I have been saving them. They have all targetted my change being with people. Or maybe that is how I internalize it. I recently realized the change has to be inside. Validation comes from inside. I have every right to my feelings or emotions.

I feel like I am on a solo trip. I don’t know where all this will lead to, but I am glad I made the call, and I am proud that I empowered myself to send emails to my doctors.

I have recently found out, placing it all throughout my life. I have anxiety. I especially have social anxiety. But yes, I can go on stage, I can play guitar, not without anxiety or doubt but there is something that keeps me going back.

It is the energy a musician gets from performing with other musicians, and esp playing for the crowd. There is a lot of energy and love in that. I want more of that. I need more of that. That sparks my soul. Growing as a writer, songwriter, and musician, this is what I need, and I am only discovering this now at age 51. For all you youngins, make sure you keep the essence of yourselves. Don’t let yourself drown like I did.

I am better than that. This is my mantra. Empowerment. I am growing so much I feel tired, been very tired last 2 weeks. I am working hard to empower myself and depend on myself more than other people.

I am a pretty cool person.

I like me.

I have a good heart.

Family is important to me.

I have a lot of love and comfort to give others.

I have talents that I am pursuing. 

I will never sink that low again.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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