Short, busy, and sweet
Feb 2, 2021
Started 2 days ago, edited and shortened
I don’t know where to start, I am not sure when it began but I can’t sit down. I have not been able to commit myself to write but I think I need to start writing more. I got caught up in my ideas, and my wanting to have people who may be interested in buying one of my chapbooks. I think I went buzzy around then, or maybe before that.
I guess one of the things that have been keeping me busy is redoing my space. Today I opened the package and put them up. I got a curtain of led lights,
Renos includes setting up space in my house for me to sing and write, for the kids to have a place to get together and play guitar (they are both learning and already better than I am and I have been playing on and off for over 10 years.) I will take pics this evening and maybe have more of a picture book lol than a written one, but I also need to write. I also need space where I can turn on my mic and have the music loud that too was part of my vision. My dining room has been converted into a jam room and the far end of my living room is now home to the dining room table.
Honestly, I see some signs of mania, my fear is to go psychotic and I don’t know how much my brain can handle before I do. Dr has me building my dose of Olanzapine and it has been helpful until recently and recently my thoughts have been more troubling again. It is stuff that is putting Me and Neil at risk. Games my head plays, always doubting intention, doubting friendships, doubting trust. Maybe even doubting love.
Neil says I am hard. Hard work sometimes. Makes me feel bad, I don’t want to make things hard on others, my dr even pointed out
“You would be difficult to live with” and thinks highly (maybe seeing Neils’s mental wellness always chasing the quirky ones.) of Neil for sticking around lol. I am quite lucky.
But my ‘creative mind’ finds flaws, finds little tidbits of information, finds stories out of nothing. But the thing is some of this is real. I can sense flaws in people’s behavior, I watch people closely, I look for the doubt in their eye I am in tune with a barely-there smile. Like when I say something like, “I won’t be going over tomorrow” What does that millimeter of smile take you in your mind. My mind takes me into self-doubt, then I wonder about other things. Then I start wondering why Neil even wants to be with me. He loves me. Why I wonder.
What about that smile you had.
My space, maybe something keeping me sane, yesterday I sang all day in my new area. It isn’t perfect but I can’t wait to see it tonight and take a karaoke video for my FB friends, maybe I will do that here, why not, you might not like it though, I would like to post a song I am really good at. Sometimes there are challenges though, like this past weekend it was singing a song that reminds you of summer. (for our karaoke group page), which reminds me to post but I will do it again maybe tonight and maybe a better version though my video image looked good I could barely sing like Walk like an Egyptian” And even “Steal My Sunshine” by Len. Well, those were the summertime songs I chose. I should have posted what I did last night but it is awful and maybe I will do a better job tonight, oh but tonight, we are having a party for my friend’s birthday. COVID friendly, online. I do quite a few video chats or videos, I don’t mind being on the camera and sometimes I like to ham it up. 🙂
Just high tailed out of here to get something, forgot what I was looking for, and ended up singing in my new room. It is a great place as a bit further away from the other bedrooms (my other office is with my big set up as far as having a good camera and mic it’s pretty decent, It is decorated with a lot, esp the walls I have something against plain walls. And well that brings me to something else. My wall covering. I have one in my what- should-I-call-it? The Jam room, I have a wall covering for one of my walls. I have to tidy my house first, which has been on the back burner because all I want to do is sing, decorate rooms and write and make videos. Sometimes I even dress up for my videos, I like to dress up. I have a goth rocker look most times if going out, my hair currently black again with a bit of a purple sheen. That’s another thing I am doing a lot of, I have dyed my hair three times in the past let’s say a month, oh wait, and the initial colour so like 4times I dyed my hair in a month or two
This is the hair phase me I believe. I have been talking to my girlfriends, Neil says I need to talk to my girlfriends about stuff like that.
“Hair and moving all the furniture around phase” the past 2 months.
Oh yes, and all my other obsessions. Been a very busy time.
Here are pic of my finished jam room
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.