Nice late night TGIF  Where I have been

I have oh so much clutter in my little brain. Kudos to the moon phases I am learning about, Neil and I spent some time together, I hadn’t realized my two weeks away from my son, was in fact already 2 weeks. I have had many sorrows and troubles this past month. My mom became ill, she was 83. My mama. Yet I find peace in her passing, she deteriorated quickly after several small strokes, was so hard to see her, but I snuck in once, claiming I am a support person for my mom (which really I have been), I did get to see her, she lost a lot of herself you know, being a pain in the ass no doubt as I watched her take off her oxygen meter, slapping her hand gently I whispered…”mooom, stop it, I will get in trouble!”…hoping to get a reaction. I know it was her way of telling me she didn’t want to be there, but she was unable to speak. This is really heavy. I didn’t intend it to be.

I spent the evening with Neil and left my son to heat up some microwaved food. Neil and I had one of our better nights together in a long time, all I keep thinking is my mom watching over us, she will keep us together, and get this, we are doing better, as of the last few days, kind of letting out and letting go to old thinking patterns. Is it the upcoming moon? Why do I suddenly want to learn about it? Shit man. All sorts of wonderful things in my head. I saw 4:44 today too.

I watched my mom die. I held her hand and I stroked her hair and although she made no motion to acknowledged us I know she knew we were there. One of my proud moments was realizing my mom needed a priest to receive her final Rights. It was beautiful, I watched this beautiful man pray over my mom, anointing her with oil and blessing her with holy water. I took her hand when the priest left 

“Mom, I say, The priest came mom. Mom, do you know it is Ash Wednesday? I told her dad and I were there, I told her I would take care of dad and I will still clean her house. I told her I loved her. I told her her other daughter was on the way.

Can you sense my peace? My mom, who is very very religious dies on the biggest day of Christianity, Ash Wednesday, a reminder of mortality and the importance of making peace with God.

My Mom dies on that day. We had a very small gathering, saying our final thoughts and celebrating the wonderful loving woman she was. Yesterday, the day of the funeral, the sun was out shining, the trees had all crystalized from the frosty snow and icy bits, all shimmering. It was a wonderful celebration of life and had the prettiest day of winter for her funeral and burial.

I watched the machines by her bed, I noticed her vitals were dropping, I kept my hand in hers and I whispered words of love. My Mom passed about 15 minutes of the priest visiting. I saw my Mom’s heart stop. She has gone to God. This is where I chose to keep faith, and I do believe in my Mom, maybe I will get brownie points.

I have to find out what the universe is telling me, cause there are signs everywhere

Another day.

 I love you always , rest in peace. I know you were ready.

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: 4:44 Ash Wednesday grieving

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.