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November 2, 2020

It has been such a long time since I have last done a “blog” style post.  It seems I have been so busy, trying to live, trying to function. It has been a hard go over the last few months. One of my last blogs was the day before our wedding. The wedding will be my final chapter which will complete my book I have been working on for 2 years. I have occasionally submitted some chapters here.

So what has been going on? Well as many during this pandemic mental health for a lot of us has dwindled. I started off COVID with depression, then mixed mania, then back to depression. I had the occasional brush with hypomania, and most recently another manic episode. But it was a very dark place to be, mixed mania would be the more accurate label.

Mixed mania. It has to be the hardest part of bipolar if you happen to come across it. I generally struggle with the mania part. In the beginning, it used to be that lovely hypomanic state. Years ago, until I had my first major manic episode, and then I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. 

As I have gotten older, or perhaps more prominent this year has been mixed episodes. I had a huge amount of agitation, irritability, I was argumentative, I was paranoid, I had very intrusive thoughts of suicide and self-harm I was stuck in an eating disorder. I was restless, always on the go. But those dark thoughts. The depressed thoughts with all the high energy make this a mixed episode and is a high-risk state. I cried so many times, I would watch a video that once fed my (happy) mania and it reduced me to tears and feeling of suicide as I tried to put myself back in that moment and the sheer delight of how a song could bring on the sweet feelings of mania. I broke down instead. “I will never have this again” And the quick switch to I can’t live like this anymore.

Paranoid thoughts that people were only being nice to me for some evil motive on their part. Constantly doubting myself, trying to please people, trying to show a bit of “Dotty” and who I am, high energy, social, loud, eccentric, where did she go? I cried. I mourned. I want it back so much. I try and trigger it, less sleep, more exercise. More rushing around, more activities. More obsessive thoughts. Less food. Eating disorder.

Often times when I am manic, I forget to eat, it’s just not on my schedule as I move quickly between chores and fun stuff, and new ideas and new creations. Dark mania brought on some anorexic tendencies. I didn’t care, I wanted to only focus on my weight and trying to be as thin as I could. Why I wonder? And it just hit me now, perhaps my way of showing my pain. Perhaps my way of letting people know I am not happy, perhaps my own punishments for not being enough. I stopped feeling enough, I wanted more. I wanted to be the really thin girl. I wanted to be the envy of others, but maybe I am too thin now. I like it though. Sometimes I feel like I have total control. Something I could control. Don’t get me wrong, I have also struggled with bulimia, but binging and purging always made me feel undisciplined. I would feel badly about myself. The anorexia fuelled some of my mania, walk more, exercise more, don’t stand idle, walk away from the food, hide not eating from my family (though turns out they saw right through it).

It hasn’t all been bad though. I am doing college. Perhaps that fueled the good mania part, at least it was productive, and I still have that today. I am registered in a program called Creative Writing at my local college. Some of my recent poetry has been from creations I have done for poetry assignments in my course. I am learning new things and it has been a challenge learning different kinds of poetry and learning how to write them. Feedback is always welcome.

I got a bit over my head though and the next thing all I could do was breath poetry, it was constantly on my mind, sections of phrases, rhyming words…oh seriously this is the best place to be. Creative. That kind of mania. My favorite. Make me productive.

My mixed mania has brought on darker poetry, which is generally what I write. Fueled with some mania, sometimes I surprise myself and say wow that was pretty good.

Halloween has just passed. A spectacular weekend that we were all being a bit superstitious about. Full Blue Moon, on a Halloween night, the day there was not a cloud in the sky which was a bit strange seeing as most of our Halloweens have been rainy or snowy and cold. It was a beautiful fall day, crisp with the warm sun warming us through. Lovely just lovely. In the evening I was disappointed to find it had clouded over, but as the wind moved the clouds the moon became visible, and wow what a glorious view. I only have my phone as a camera but I will include a pic or two with this blog.

Halloween 2020 Full Blue Moon

My mixed mania has just recently been treated, with more treatment options coming forth. I realized that last week, I felt like shit. Big time. I was miserable and depressed. Five days later after high doses of Seroquel I suddenly woke up  (I reduced the dose) and the worst of the mania had dissipated. Especially the dark part. It turns out (in my mind) that the 4-5 days of yuck was exactly what I needed (though I could have done without suicidal thoughts or self-harm thoughts).

My next post will be eye awakening. Halloween and the Full Blue Moon.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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