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Neil and I postponed the wedding after I finally decided what I was going to wear. Funny how things work sometimes.

COVID is still around, we have opened most things now and the infections are starting to pick up again, this time with a younger group. Apparently there have been a few house parties that have happened in the past two weeks.

Me? I am still taking the bus, mandatory to wear a mask on public transportation, taxis, Ubers. I feel safer getting around. I have missed taking the bus so much. I missed going places. By the time I was able to comfortably (and carefully) go out, the garden centres had been raided. The shelves were empty, almost everything was gone. SO I guess in this isolation everyone has decided to start gardening. Good. It’s good for the bees. I have a ground bee living in my front garden which is really taking nice shape. Initially sectioned off with weeds growing freely, I have started to plant some pretty annuals. My goal though is to have tall plants. I want it kind of meadowy. Like an English garden

So we canceled the wedding but I told Neil, I would still like to have something on this day, a party without the wedding.

So we have started making arrangements with our friend Joe who does Karaoke. He has waterfront property and we asked if we could host a party there. We didn’t want a lot of people, just mainly close friends.

So right now we have 15  people going. I am mostly comfortable with them. But now? With the numbers going up?. They are giving mixed messages though, well sort of. They say hold off on the parties. Then they said, have gatherings outside at a social distance. 

I am getting anxious though for a couple of reasons. One, COVID, two, socializing with people. In my mind, it is a large group of people. I am not up for that. I don’t want to be around twenty people and have to make small talk with all of them and smile madly. I just can’t see it happening. Instead, I will zone out and not really be approachable. 

Or, I might have a little mania in me and be fine. Maybe I could even be chatty with guests.

We talked about wearing our ‘wedding attire’ but after seeing a friend’s posts and pictures of her actual wedding, well I would feel foolish I think. I just don’t have the same drive for it as I would have if we had gotten married. I am not really feeling excited about it. I am totally stepping out of the way to make plans. I am backing off and I am losing interest. All it will end up being is a BBQ, some music. Won’t be any decorations or anything. And that’s fine actually. Just would have been nice to pretend a little bit. But then I think it might just be silly.

I bought something, especially for our party day. Was something for me to wear. Now I am not sure I will feel comfortable. I can’t give it away because sometimes Neil reads my stories and I would like it to be a surprise.

Aww. Then there might be that chance I get all sentimental and want to wear my outfit that I was going to had we wed.

I lost weight, that’s another story for another day other than to say I am getting caught up in food and scale games. But dam I look good after losing fifteen pounds. Problem is I am now in a very low weight, my Dr would say I am underweight and feels my weight was good when I was heavier. What does he know? He talks about what if I get sick and I don’t have those extra stores of energy. And my response to that was;

“I am not going to get fat INCASE I get sick. F that.

Eating has always been an issue.

Anyways, I am having second thoughts about having this party. I really want to spend the night by the fire and in a tent. And to be able to see the sunset. God what if it rains and I could have gotten my surgery.

Yes, in the quest for me to be comfortable with my body I have decided to go for another surgical procedure. I had a tummy tuck done years ago, from dramatic weight loss after two pregnancies (I got fat both times, like yes fat, gaining seventy-five pounds fat.) The other surgery I had wanted was to do with those girl things. Kind of want them back where they were. Maybe even better lol.

They have August 5th available. That is the only one until late September. By then I won’t be able to get it because I will be starting my chemo again on October 2nd. That was for my MS, I talked about it a year ago… Our party is on August 8th. I don’t even think I will be walking much, then again maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. 

MMM. Well, I wouldn’t be able to wear what I planned. And I wouldn’t be able to help set up the tent. And I would need extra pillows. I will probably still be on pain pills. Neil won’t be able to have his wicked way with me on our supposed honeymoon night in the tent. But at least he could have the party. All I have to do is sit and go to the washroom and get myself water. Or a non-alcoholic beer.

But we have to keep the number small. God the last thing I would want is COVOD recovering from breast surgery. I can’t hug people. I can go for walks. You can’t swim from his waterfront it is shallow and very weedy. I thought about having water gun fights but then realized we would be running around sharing COVID. Lol. No didn’t think that was a good idea.

Sometimes there is a boat around, but I wouldn’t go in the boat with a bunch of people. I am too afraid of water to be going in someone else’s boat. I wouldn’t enjoy it. A pontoon boat maybe, where it just glides over the water, but I won’t be able to put on a life jacket.

But what if I have drains, or what if I wake up in the middle of the night with terrible pain.

But what if I could still have my surgery and we could still have our party. All I have to do is sit. Sit in the shade. Sit by the fire pit. Sit near the dock to watch the sunset.

What would I do at home? What would we do that is special for our day if we don’t have this party. Do I shrug it off? I don’t think it would be Neil’s choice to cancel the party. He is looking forward to it.

But. The numbers are going up.

So is my anxiety.

And my surgery

And I made up my mind.

Keep the list at 10. I have my surgery.

We can have our honeymoon last week of camping at that wonderful park I wore nothing but a T-shirt and rubber boots. YA, that’s our honeymoon. Not after a day of drinking and falling into bed. Ya, no. Honeymoon is not happening that night. SO.

I am going to book it. Oh, and the other thing is, kids’ dad will be out of town. SO I can’t hide at Neil’s for a few days. I will have to be home, and somehow I will have to manage Archie (Kids could help you know) And somehow have to manage Rebecca. Gavin will be fine.

14 days left. 08/08/2020

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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