Question is. Am I manic or just full of good ideas?
I am not looking for the answer, I am not quite sure what I am right now. It is more a statement.
I will tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was this very timid shy ‘soccer mom’ who didn’t drink and just got out of an abusive relationship.
**In the eightsome however many years that I had quit drinking I stopped going to bars. I stopped dancing. I stopped socializing because of the controlling nature of this beast.
So I was really timid. I meet this guy, Neil let’s call him, and he starts very slowly introducing me to his friends. But it took a while. I thought maybe he was shy about me with him, but he was worried about my comfort level around socializing and his friends drinking.
Right at the time I met Neil, I had restarted a friendship with someone I went to high school with. She invited me out, to a restaurant as part of a small reunion they were having. I was really anxious but she padded me along and I went and it was nice. I did what I knew best and that was coffee and a salad without dressing and a nice big piece of chocolate cake (It’s all about balance). The alcohol bit was a bit hard until I saw and heard of orange beer. WTF. And people were drinking rum and coke, but I know I would have made them better. The alcohol part wasn’t actually that hard. It was the socializing which I did mighty fine while drinking.
That got me to realize why I had such a problem with booze. I had social anxiety. Now I don’t drink.
I had to figure this out.
So bit by bit Neil has me going out and one night he stopped at the pub by his house. He said;
“Let’s go in, if you want to leave, we will at any time.”
I nervously agreed.
We sat at the bar. That was hard. But then I found out it was karaoke night and I had never been to one.
I started getting excitedly nervous about the idea of singing on stage with lyrics. Then I thought WOW hey! I want to try that.
The next time we went out to this bar it was a Karaoke night. I decided that I wanted to sing Neil a song. My very first song.
Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.
At this point I must confess, I don’t sing. I have never sung other than when I was twelve listening to A tracks with enormous headphones on belting out a tune, or when I was an older teen in my room listening to Black Velvet and Nothing Compares To You and trying to sing along, with earphones in, my poor family.
My daughter has a beautiful voice; my son does really good Eminem songs. My ex-husband was in a band, his band, back in the screechy of heavy metal 80’s bands.
One day when I was married to him, was in our first apartment. I remember standing in my room with my back to the window, listening to Enya, A Return Of Innocence. And I tell you I loved that song, I loved singing along.
Well, my ex didn’t like it. He ran into the room looking panicked yelling,
“What is going on in here???” Followed by,; “I thought a cat was being tortured.”
So no. I don’t sing. I am not a singer. I will never have a band.
I have been doing karaoke now for seven years, six or seven. I have sung easy songs; I have sung hard songs. I push through Alleluia, and I can sing Bed of Roses really well. I can sometimes get the high notes, other times I crack. But the big thing is I am having fun and trying to better myself.
Now if you have been reading I refer to the karaoke a lot, like the group I am in on Facebook.
It is a coping strategy and a really good hobby. It is mint in this pandemic.
Well, one day I start thinking of having a band. my ex-husband and his friend who continues on with his own band. I decide and talk to my ex-husband and his friend very briefly. about starting up a band with me being the singer.
Now, this is funny.
**When I started writing this I was manic, I had such glorious feels of well being, of being a rock star. I really believed I could. So I will describe it as best I can now, remembering the feelings when I was manic.
I got way over my head as I scanned through my ex-husband friends on Facebook. It was his best friend that he played in a band with. I found him singing and playing keyboard to White Horses by the Rolling Stones. I had never heard it before.
Then click click and from other people’s videos, I found Smule. I practiced the song. It wasn’t quite like his. It is a popular song searched and I posted on Smule. I have had some views but no likes. But when I put it on Facebook, I had some really good comments that helped me along with my idea of becoming a rock star. Smule is a website to record and sing and do duets. It is really cool.
And that helps me feel like a rock star because you can adjust your voice, the camera has filters, so in the right light, I look pretty good for 49.
Ya, I want to be in a band before I am fifty.
But then it turned out that it didn’t look like they wanted me in a band with them.
I guess it would have been pretty weird.
My karaoke friend had a karaoke room event on Facebook. It was a small group of about ten. I knew some of the people but not others.
And then there was this guy….
So a bit later on I noticed I had a friend request. By that guy. I was so excited. I thought wow he liked my singing so much he wanted me as a friend. Aww.
So that got me going too. Turns out he is in a duet band and performs at bars and stuff.
Omg, I didn’t stop. I messaged him a lot. He plays guitar. He knows I want to be a superstar I gather and he offered to do a cover of Glycerine by Bush. One of my all-time favorite songs.
So then I created yet another music venue, Bandlab and we did our recording there. He played guitar (was an audio-only) and then I sang to his music. And then the program puts them all together. It turned out alright. Even good, I would think.
Then I create a Youtube and posted some of my Smules there. (the best quality in recording)
I even started imagining what I was going to wear..would I go all out in my Rock Star sexy outfits, or would I prefer a more hippie look. I think Rock Star would be more captivating.
Maybe as the mania started lifting I realized I would never be in a band. But then I had another idea.
How about open mic? Then I got really excited. I could do open mic, I can do karaoke so why not open mic.
Well, I suck at learning lyrics, no matter how much I listen to it I always need a bit of help to start, or to continue the song, like the new verses.
The other problem is I don’t really play any instruments. I tried to be good at guitar, but after almost ten years of picking it up and putting it down, I can play only a couple of songs and I sound like a beginner to put it nicely Haha.
But as much as the mania has gone down (enough of a break to know but not wanting to admit I was delusional (then again..maybe not)
It was probably one of my favourite manias. OOOOH, rock star.
Was magical and bright and shiny.
Welcome to my blog. My Non de Plume is Christine W Forgues. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.