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Rock Star

Question is. Am I manic or just full of good ideas?

I am not looking for the answer, I am not quite sure what I am right now. It is more a statement.

I will tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was this very timid shy ‘soccer mom’ who didn’t drink and just got out of an abusive relationship.

**In the eightsome however many years that I had quit drinking I stopped going to bars. I stopped dancing. I stopped socializing because of the controlling nature of this beast.

So I was really timid. I meet this guy, Neil let’s call him, and he starts very slowly introducing me to his friends. But it took a while. I thought maybe he was shy about me with him, but he was worried about my comfort level around socializing and his friends drinking.

Right at the time I met Neil, I had restarted a friendship with someone I went to high school with. She invited me out, to a restaurant as part of a small reunion they were having. I was really anxious but she padded me along and I went and it was nice. I did what I knew best and that was coffee and a salad without dressing and a nice big piece of chocolate cake (It’s all about balance). The alcohol bit was a bit hard until I saw and heard of orange beer. WTF. And people were drinking rum and coke, but I know I would have made them better. The alcohol part wasn’t actually that hard. It was the socializing which I did mighty fine while drinking.

That got me to realize why I had such a problem with booze. I had social anxiety. Now I don’t drink.

I had to figure this out.

So bit by bit Neil has me going out and one night he stopped at the pub by his house. He said;

“Let’s go in, if you want to leave, we will at any time.”

I nervously agreed.

We sat at the bar. That was hard. But then I found out it was karaoke night and I had never been to one.

I started getting excitedly nervous about the idea of singing on stage with lyrics. Then I thought WOW hey! I want to try that.

The next time we went out to this bar it was a Karaoke night. I decided that I wanted to sing Neil a song. My very first song.

Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.

At this point I must confess, I don’t sing. I have never sung other than when I was twelve listening to A tracks with enormous headphones on belting out a tune, or when I was an older teen in my room listening to Black Velvet and Nothing Compares To You and trying to sing along, with earphones in, my poor family.

My daughter has a beautiful voice; my son does really good Eminem songs. My ex-husband was in a band, his band, back in the screechy of heavy metal 80’s bands.

One day when I was married to him, was in our first apartment. I remember standing in my room with my back to the window, listening to Enya, A Return Of Innocence. And I tell you I loved that song, I loved singing along.

Well, my ex didn’t like it. He ran into the room looking panicked yelling,

 “What is going on in here???” Followed by,; “I thought a cat was being tortured.”

So no. I don’t sing. I am not a singer. I will never have a band.

Or wait.

I have been doing karaoke now for seven years, six or seven. I have sung easy songs; I have sung hard songs. I push through Alleluia, and I can sing Bed of Roses really well. I can sometimes get the high notes, other times I crack. But the big thing is I am having fun and trying to better myself.

Now if you have been reading I refer to the karaoke a lot, like the group I am in on Facebook.

It is a coping strategy and a really good hobby. It is mint in this pandemic.

Well, one day I start thinking of having a band.  my ex-husband and his friend who continues on with his own band. I decide and talk to my ex-husband and his friend very briefly. about starting up a band with me being the singer.

Now, this is funny.

**When I started writing this I was manic, I had such glorious feels of well being, of being a rock star. I really believed I could. So I will describe it as best I can now, remembering the feelings when I was manic.

I got way over my head as I scanned through my ex-husband friends on Facebook. It was his best friend that he played in a band with. I found him singing and playing keyboard to White Horses by the Rolling Stones. I had never heard it before.

Then click click and from other people’s videos, I found Smule. I practiced the song. It wasn’t quite like his. It is a popular song searched and I posted on Smule. I have had some views but no likes. But when I put it on Facebook, I had some really good comments that helped me along with my idea of becoming a rock star. Smule is a website to record and sing and do duets. It is really cool.

And that helps me feel like a rock star because you can adjust your voice, the camera has filters, so in the right light, I look pretty good for 49.

Ya, I want to be in a band before I am fifty.

But then it turned out that it didn’t look like they wanted me in a band with them.

I guess it would have been pretty weird.

My karaoke friend had a karaoke room event on Facebook. It was a small group of about ten. I knew some of the people but not others.

And then there was this guy….

So a bit later on I noticed I had a friend request. By that guy. I was so excited. I thought wow he liked my singing so much he wanted me as a friend. Aww.

So that got me going too. Turns out he is in a duet band and performs at bars and stuff.

Omg, I didn’t stop. I messaged him a lot. He plays guitar. He knows I want to be a superstar I gather and he offered to do a cover of Glycerine by Bush. One of my all-time favorite songs.

So then I created yet another music venue, Bandlab and we did our recording there. He played guitar (was an audio-only) and then I sang to his music. And then the program puts them all together. It turned out alright. Even good, I would think.

Then I create a Youtube and posted some of my Smules there. (the best quality in recording)

I even started imagining what I was going to wear..would I go all out in my Rock Star sexy outfits, or would I prefer a more hippie look. I think Rock Star would be more captivating.

Maybe as the mania started lifting I realized I would never be in a band. But then I had another idea.

How about open mic?  Then I got really excited. I could do open mic, I can do karaoke so why not open mic.

Well, I suck at learning lyrics, no matter how much I listen to it I always need a bit of help to start, or to continue the song, like the new verses.

The other problem is I don’t really play any instruments. I tried to be good at guitar, but after almost ten years of picking it up and putting it down, I can play only a couple of songs and I sound like a beginner to put it nicely Haha.

But as much as the mania has gone down (enough of a break to know but not wanting to admit I was delusional (then again..maybe not)

It was probably one of my favourite manias. OOOOH, rock star.

Was magical and bright and shiny.


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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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