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After Christmas

January 2, 2020.

I am so embarrassed and I don’t want to go out. I was miserable at New Years because my clothes were too tight. I have gained 10 pounds since starting the higher dose of the med they gave me during my recent manic episode.  Last time I gained ten pounds as well. The doctor told me to put up during the treatment of mania and then lose it after.

Well between the meds ( Seroquel) and how my appetite increases and how I lose the eating disorder mentality and Christmas goodies I gained 10 pounds in a month. I am still well in my “BMI”. I just see them as bullshit numbers when my doctor goes over them with me. Telling me I am too thin, that I have lost the fat under my skin on my face and it ages me (I am 48)  But ten extra pounds on what I want my heaviest weight to be, is pushing it way too far for me. I think my face is chubby now.

I don’t want to get naked in front of Neil, I don’t want him to see me naked. One day he came into my room to keep me company. Well, number one being in front of someone while I am getting ready throws me off. But that and on top of being so embarrassed about my body, I try and cover up while I get dressed. He sensed my distress and left. Then I could relax and try and find something to wear.

Being New Years Neil wanted me to dress in some of my BDSM outfits. I couldn’t do it. The corset I have has to be done up by Neil. I didn’t want him to try and squeeze it on and see how distended my stomach has become. Humiliation. Because he knows I have been binge eating. And he brags about having self-control. I also have a history of bulimia and anorexia. All my eating disorder issues, the binge, the restrict, goes back and forth. I eat more when Neil is around but on my own, I could wait till four of five o’clock Have a yogurt and a granola bar and call it a day, until later in the evening I sometimes munch out on air-popped popcorn. Yes with butter, well margarine. And plenty of salt.

Yes, I know you are supposed to eat in the morning and not at night, but the routine I had had me losing, or maintaining a lower weight. It worked. That’s what I have to try and work on again. And the meds. Well, I am cutting back. I no longer feel manic (though my head is racing a bit) but pissed off, depressed and determined to lose this weight. I give myself a month to lose most of it. 

My eating is an issue between Neil and me. For some reason, I have become hyper-focused on it. Usual indicators are when I don’t have a grip of what’s going on around me, I lose my appetite. Or I decide to starve myself most of the day. It gives me a feeling of control I guess. I even speculated whether I was trying to hurt myself unconsciously and I mentioned that to one of my doctors. I also have a history of that. That is a pretty deep thought. But I am not ready to let go of my maladaptive coping strategy.  I am not ready to give up on the war against my body. I’m in a phase. It’s been a long phase. I keep saying it will be over when I reach the weight I want to be. That was in the summer. Oh yes, when I was eating tuna and rice crackers. Yummmm lmao.

So I decide to buy a few healthy things like I have salad, I have some peppers, I might even have tofu. BUT I AM LAZY. I have no interest in making food for myself. The most I will do today is maybe have a couple of yogurts. I didn’t buy any granola bars as I don’t need the temptation.

This is what happens to me and it doesn’t matter if I have not eaten or if I have eaten. One hour after falling asleep I walk up and eat. I do blame one of my meds, the one that had to be increased (Seroquel). But I have been doing this for so long. Years ago I would wake up in the middle of the night and write in my journal, smoke cigarettes and drink coffee. I would be up for one or two hours. I was also prescribed sleeping pills around summertime. Heavy ones, not like Trazadone. They were hypnotics. Zopiclone. In 15 minutes flat I would be dead asleep,(on the slightly higher dose I would pee the bed at night, that kind of strong) I even fell asleep going upstairs if you can imagine ( I didn’t get hurt at all. It was four or five steps down) But the freaky thing is I used to get up in the middle of the night still, and really binge. Not like a couple of granola bars, but cereal, toast, toast and jam or maple syrup, cheese, I even made a grilled cheese sandwich, in the middle of the night while on hypnotics. Go figure and wtf. And no, I haven’t been to a sleep lab. But I also realized I may have been sleepwalking, to some extent. So my doctor took me off, I actually stopped them before I saw her.

Eating. Has almost always been my issue. When I am eighty, I will let go of it.

Neil can’t cope with it anymore. So I need to be discrete. Lol.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, and I am not always like this. It goes in phases. Everything I do is a phase.

-Christine W Forgues

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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