Immobilized

Feeling rather dark the last couple of days. The doctor always tells me when I have been manic “The higher you go the harder you fall”.  I have been hypomanic/manic for a while now. I have mostly enjoyed it, except for the restlessness, the difficulty sleeping despite my medication. I have loved me being so social, having a good time. Now I have lost the creativity I was so happy I had, especially being here. And being creative, and having lots of ideas, the shopping, well I have enjoyed that, but not good for my finances.

And then bang it happens. I wake crying I go to bed crying. So much has changed. This is where bipolar is a blessing and a curse. This is what discourages me and makes me wish I didn’t have this and wish I didn’t have to take meds. But without them, well, you can imagine.

I seek the high all the time. I have had stable times but for right now I want the mania back. Much better place than where I am now. Unless it is dark mania, which I haven’t had in a while. Its been mainly good. The allure of the mania has made me uncooperative sometimes with taking the extra dose of Seroquel that I have needed sometimes. I tell myself I will be fine. I tell myself I don’t need extra Seroquel. I am smart though when it turns to dark mania I will squash that. Those are not fun times. Feeling restless, having too much energy to focus on anything inundated with bad thoughts, or when I just can’t keep up with how fast my brain goes and I can’t complete the task of even cooking dinner for my family. When I get so overwhelmed by the simplest thing.  I wrote a poem a long time ago, I will try and find it and include it here.

I am very fortunate though, these sad times don’t last long thanks to my Lamotrigine. I just have to let it pass, and try and do things for myself. Catch up on all the stuff I have neglected because I rather sit on my computer and write or buzz around shopping. I do get hyperfocused but it is something I like. If it is a positive thing.

So then what happens is I lower my dose of Seroquel, trying to get at least a brush of mania back. Right now, I want nothing to do with Seroquel as it took away my happy…

So I am here, I am trying to focus on something, I am trying to do this without the mania, but it is hard. I have stuff that I need to catch up with, like cleaning the house, like doing dreaded laundry, all the things I push aside cause I rather be here, in my office creating and having a focus or shopping Instead of being so scattered or sad.

But all I want to do is sit, or lie down, or do nothing. I can’t stand that and will push myself out of this sad place I am in. I had been so manic that hospitalization was on my mind, and my mom thought it might be helpful for me. Now I don’t want anything to do with that because I don’t need the meds to give me relief. I need the hypomania back, even the mania I feel is a better place than this.

This too shall pass.

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: bipolar dark mania hypomania journal writing mania sadness

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.