This is the first Christmas I am not too loopy. Every year I tell my shrink I go “crazy” around Christmas time. This year she upped my meds before things got too hairy. I have stopped loving Christmas as I got caught in the rat race, of let’s show the kids how much I love them by spending as much money on them as I could, often short at end of the month, actually, December and January are my worst financial months. Usually have the 5th-week mortgage payment. I get paid 2 weeks early but that money has to last me till the end of January. Stress. Financial stress. Trying to make everyone happy, devastated when I feel “I haven’t done enough” 

This is one of the hardest Christmases I know for my dad, my mom passed this February. holidays are always the hardest when you lose someone. Christmas is hard for a lot of people. For many reasons. It’s supposed to be a time of joy. Why does Christmas have to be so hard?

Did you find joy this Christmas?

I did something different this year for my sister. My dad went to see her in New Brunswick for the holidays, he is coming back tomorrow to a clean house, as I went today to clean (my usual every 2 weeks). I usually rush to get the gift cards that we do every year. This year it bothered me and I came up with an awesome idea that ended up saving me money.

I sent a box down by mail with 6 gifts. All wrapped. On Christmas morning I video chatted with my sister and told her to get all the gifts out of the box.

So what I did was go to Walmart and come up with a few good ideas. A book, a set of candles, a photo frame, bath bombs with a small bottle of booze attached. Some shower gel and a poof, and more booze bottle attached to it, a box of cookies. I threw in some chocolate too.

I put names in a hat, was actually a “naughty or nice “ stocking, mixed them all around, and started pulling names. The rule was to pick one gift and unwrap it. The next name that is called gets to choose between the unwrapped gift or can get a new gift to unwrap. And it goes on until everyone has one. Everyone thinks they are happy and come to accept the gift when I change it up one more time.

“Hand your gift over to the person on your right.”

HAHAHAHAH seriously so funny. 

We had a great time, I should have worn my Santa hat at the very least, but that is the tradition I am doing from now on.” My sister doesn’t need another Keg gift card, she has enough money to go out, the kids don’t need fast food or gas cards. The family needed to play a Christmas game. And it was beautiful. Can’t wait to do it next year, I will have to get creative. But that alone made my Christmas, Christmasy, spreading love and joy. ( all this through video chat)

That is what the season is for right? And well wishes for the new year.

For me, I am in the in-between of “It’s was a great Christmas, I ate too much food, gained 5 pounds as I do every Christmas, and will shed it by mid-January. And we still have to party. Things look different for the New Year for me. My dad will need some company on New Year’s Eve, and Neil and I will go over and we will order Chinese food and spend time there maybe till like 8 pm.

We were supposed to go to a friend’s NYE party but some stuff is still in the air, and it’s a party with the whole band, and I am not a part of it anymore, and I don’t feel like I will be “appreciated” for being there. So I can think of other things to do. I had a sore throat so thru my ‘Fear out” and said I didn’t think I should go.

I want to be with people who want me, people I have a history with, and not just a 3-month fun gig. There is supposed to be jamming and stuff, but I can see I will not get the chance to participate because there are too many hungry people. If you catch my drift.

So the in-between for me is the day after Xmas I am exhausted, but still a bit uptight because I still have to get through New Year. 

However, saying all that, I still have much more to say.

So I mentioned the band thing for whatever reason didn’t pull through, I need to get out singing more and get a stronger voice, and maybe a bit more confidence. That just wasn’t the band for me.

But I have another goal. I may have mentioned it about playing guitar and doing open mics. I also started thinking I would write some songs, and I am actually using one of my poems for my song. So far I have the order and the chords. But have to figure out how to sing it now, I am not that advanced to know what the hell to do, So I wing it. I pretend I know what I am doing and very soon after  I actually can do it. Fake it till you make it. It actually works.

ALSO, am planning to do a couple of covers, and I just figured out which one. Runaway Train by Soul Asylum has been on my list, but I heard “Won’t’ Back Down “ by Tom Petty ( I love singing this song ) and I suddenly thought, hey maybe I will do a cover. So I look up the chords and they are easy, except I am still learning the c chord and just can’t seem to get it, But I use C in my song so I will get lots of practice, and then soon I will be able to do it easily. Everything takes repetition for me to learn. SO I have so much to keep me busy. I am practicing my songs, going through my list of 25 and each day I will do a few, and redo one I have memorized because they still need practice

Oh and one more thing. Ever since I started making coffee before bed I actually sleep better.

Here is my theory. Caffeine doesn’t hit people with ADHD like it does the rest of people. Caffeine can be used to calm down someone with ADHD. Caffeine is a stimulant, right? So are ADHD meds. Sooooo, that’s why I can tolerate high levels of caffeine like red bull, and fall asleep easily. It’s like a nightcap to me. Yes, I take meds to sleep, but yes I drink coffee before I go to bed and actually have better, longer sleeps. And I have been on a shit load of sleeping pills when I wasn’t drinking coffee at night, and I still wouldn’t stay in bed. Oh, a whole other story..sleep. I will tell a story about my sleep experience, that will be cool, I know a few things. Or I think I do.

Happy “You survived Christmas but still have New Year”.  Remember to bring joy into people’s lives. But most important bring joy into your own life, giving joy to others will follow naturally.

Tuesday, Dec 28th 00:24:41

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: bipolar holidays mental health Rock Star

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.