“From Longman Dictionary of Contemporary Englishwallow in self-pity/despair/defeat wallow in self-pity/despair/defeat etc to seem to enjoy being sad etc, especially because you get sympathy from other people – used to show disapproval He’d been feeling sorry for himself, wallowing in self-pity.”(1)

AKA Hero to Zero as Neil puts it.

Ok, so I’ve been buzzing around, more manic than not, perhaps even delusional with my so-called rock star life. 

I went to our last rehearsal with the band. I won’t be continuing with them and I tell you the way it all happened hurt more, as it has to do with people talking beyond my back.

So I was told they were trying to make sure I wouldn’t get hurt feelings. I don’t measure up to what they want, especially when a third person comes in with years and years of vocal coaching and school.

I am just a little guy, I am the one you will see at karaoke, I am goin to start putting more effort into my open mics again, oh ya, so focus on positives right…

Last Wednesday I went to my Wednesday open mic. I dressed up in my leathers, kind of a new thing for me to dress up all the time when I go out, but it makes for really nice rock star pics 😉 I walked into the basement to the bar and started working my way to my usual table. A guy comes pouncing on me,

“Are you the drummer?” Oh, I chuckled, seriously.

“ No, I am a singer”

“Come up with us”

I am getting head nods and eye contact with my friend that runs the open mic. He is a big supporter, always encourages me to go ahead and search for what I am looking for and not in his words. His eyes, his actions…

So I trust him, and the next thing you know I am on stage with a large full band, singing the songs I WANT TO SING MY SONGS. MY SONGS.

K that was a bit of a temper tantrum, but seriously one last point, na, I won’t bother, it’s just negative energy that has been spilled on the band, at least in my eyes.

When I first “applied” for the position of lead singer I handed him my list (well sent) of 25 songs, enough for a 2 hours show. My goal has been 4 songs for open mic, let’s just do songs for open mic or 10 songs for Open Mic Showcase of 45 min. Can’t do the bar scene with this group so it is best for me to find peeps that will go to bars. Was cool in the studio, but my best is up on a stage.

I have talked a bit with the guys in the band of writing my own songs, and the main guy told me to get a vocal Processor peddle. SO you can change the sound and effects on your voice, he continues to say, 

“It makes a bad singer sound good”

Ouch.

Anyways I have more, lots to say. So I get on stage with these guys, the first guy that approached me was a bit drunk so a bit clinging arm around me wanting to sing with me, quite the character. Creepy but I am a big girl, and if that’s what it takes to get on stage, ya sure, I will dance around with him a bit. 4 songs. I did 4 songs with no lyrics, no mistakes. How is that possible? They wanted me to do more!  Next time I will be prepared.

I went out for a smoke with the guy that runs it and we briefly talked about the drunk guy, and I thanked him for his support. Nice guy. We flirt. Maybe big time. On occasion. But no more pics. Like you know what I mean about pics. Did it once, it was a drunken move on his part but I played around. He was mortified the next day. Now we just keep it to sharing fags outside and little chit-chat and a couple of compliments.

Needless to say, my night rocked.

And it gets better. Now that I don’t have to memorize a bunch of songs I don’t want to sing, and maybe I am not strong enough for a band so now my new goal is to write my own song, lyrics, music and perform open mic just me and my guitar

  (got to get a pic of that)

So  I like writing, I like singing and I like playing guitar and I like videotaping myself doing all these things AND I am going to get my youtube Chanel going, I hope I don’t flop this idea, I already have a few vids on a new Utube Account I made with some of the videos I made on App Smule. I could just start over. I think I have 2 followers.

So I want to do these videos as an average joe really having fun with singing even if the voice isn’t top-notch. You know I hear myself sing, I think I like my voice when it can be heard. Don’t let me bring up mic settings lol 

I have a sense of relief not being in the band, and I won’t go back, not with my friend or on my own, well maybe on my own but that is delusional, though he says, maybe it takes you 2 years to become a strong enough singer for a band. Voice processor is not goin to make me a better singer, like my friend, says it is cheating, well it isn’t if I make it known “I play “ with settings. It’s a new toy that I have yet to pick up. Heavy-duty price. Why not?  Neils buys himself all kinds of new toys, I have gotten a few but this is likely my last. It’s a Boss vocal. processor. I am goin to have to youtube once I get it so I can learn how to use it. I think my place is too small for it all lol. I got an amp, I got recording speakers, I have an electric acoustic guitar, I have an acoustic guitar..I have I have I have. Slightly materialistic, I like to have things. I like to spend my money. I like new projects and music has become this times “PHASE”  

• A phase is something that I become obsessed about and talk and spend and breathe the topic, with very little room for others. Some examples are tattoos, 3 dogs, breast lift, oh diet ones are good too, I just finished a peanut butter phase and ate 3 jars of peanut butter in about 3 weeks. Now I am on pineapples, oh and protein shakes, tuna and semese rice crackers (very low cal) Oh there are so many things, but each “episode” latest about a month. They aren’t quite manic episodes but maybe they are a part of it.

I am not wallowing-I don’t think. I have my eye set higher. I am not stopping. I have actually had some tearful moments, so it all was hard today.

-and no one can say I did my song wrong. Hence, I will write my own, but planning to learn 2 covers, Runaway Train being one, and a couple of originals. I am working on number 2 of an original. And this one is a hard song. But I will do this until school starts in January WOOT WOOT Oh boy, back to actually it as I go from zero to hero sometimes too. I open my first assignment, slam the computer shut and walk away muttering “I can’t do this, I can’t do this. In everything, I do I have self-doubt. But I always go back, and then I slowly work things out.

And I’ll Stand My Ground And I Won’t Back Down….hey babbbby…. -Tom Petty

(1) https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/wallow-in-self-pity-despair-defeat-etc

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: bipolar optimism rockstar

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.