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Tuesday, November 30, 2021-

The fallout. I had two doctor appointments on Friday over the phone. I knew something had to change and I wanted to talk to my shrink and let her know what happened to me while I was taking Clonazepam. My therapist Dr feels that I likely crashed after having been manic for so long. So maybe the meds didn’t knock me out. Maybe that was my crash. Oh, it was so harsh. I read back on my last post and cringe. If I am going to be open and honest with stuff then I got to write the good and the bad. 

Sometimes I have a hard time getting close to people. Talked about his with Dr. Therapist. I especially have a hard time forming relationships with other females. I lack trust, I back away, I clam up, I am alone. He pointed out all the recent issues I have had with females, and now I have someone I am trying to get close to but don’t want to get too close. I don’t think I will ever let my guard down.

This is funny, several posts ago I wrote how my band partner said we should start an all-girl band and I say “OH no. I have to have testosterone around me.” There is actual truth to that.

Anyways back to the crash, so it wasn’t the medication that knocked me out, it was a “crash,” ( severe and extreme depression, thoughts of suicide after a bout of mania)  think I said in my last post I would not take meds, or I will pull an all-nighter, ways to bump start the mania again, But something weird. It is like I finally understand the higher you go the harder you fall. That’s what Dr. Therapist said to me, several..many times. So I popped.

 My Doctor Shrink called me back within the hour (Because we are doing such intense work on trying to stabilize the mania).  Dr. Shrink made it very clear to me that if I needed anything she would always get back to me within an hour and she did and has been very dependable when I need extra help.

The benzo has been discontinued and we just raised the dose of one I am already on that doesn’t cause me sedation.

I Started perking up really fast after I slept off the meds (or the crash). I said to myself “OH, here it is, it’s back (the mania)”.  It made me happy. But I have been taking the extra dose of my regular med, Olanzepam, and even the extra morning dose and I might even have to take the dinner dose, I don’t know. I have a bit of a feeling like I am feeling normal right now. That probably means I am still a bit manic. But I am being good, I need to settle if I want to spend time with Neil because I do. I want to spend time with him where we aren’t bickering.

Something changed a bit for us the last 2 nights. We seem a bit more playful and a bit more flirty, maybe I have more focus for him now that I am on higher doses. I sat on the couch with him twice for a few hours. I wouldn’t have been able to do that before the crash, I was too manic to sit still.

I have been staying home more. Neil can’t sleep here as his cat is dying and he wants to be there and try and make him comfortable. SO I go over there, but I can’t sleepover because Neil has his cat in bed with him overnight and when I was going to Neils we would bring Archie in the bedroom and close the door so cats and Archie (my dog) are not up all night playing. We can’t do that, so I have just gone over to his place several times for a few hours. We just need some quality time together. I don’t actually think I am manic at all. Neil noticed I was “more manageable” seriously. God, I am such a pain in the ASS.

I have had a couple of quieter days, keeping to myself more, but if I get time to practice I am going out to open mic. Tomorrow evening.

And if Neil wants to come out we can go out together Thursday for karaoke. Open Mic is my show, I ride solo. I think I will bring my tablet and record if it’s not too busy don’t want to take up extra time setting up.

The band stuff is going ok. Working out some kinks. I feel like I have gone from hero to zero and I don’t feel very secure in my position, or maybe that’s my self-doubt. There will be more changes to the band, We may have 3 singers now, the songs are all over the place, I am trying really hard to be organized and I just, well, it doesn’t happen.

I just binged on peanut butter and jam. The only thing I have eaten today, but I had lots, definitely daily calorie adequate. I think that is why my stomach hurts.

Ok, briefly, I have had disordered eating all my life, Eating disorders. I don’t make myself puke anymore and I don’t take laxatives anymore but I do a lot of binges and restrict episodes. I have had anorexia, I have had bulimia, and now I think I just have disordered eating. Though I always want to lose weight. Well no, actually not always. Sometimes I can tolerate 110 pounds, but I always want to be in the hundred and three-pound range. My doctor “approved” weight is around 115-120. Nope, just saying those numbers make me cringe. The best is when you weigh yourself every day, sometimes more than once in an effort of seeing those numbers go down. I have 2 scales. A digital one and the other kind. I like the digital because it gives you an exact number.  If I lose 0.2 of a pound, I get excited and triggers me to try and lose more. It’s all a game to deal with life. I love seeing it go down lower and lower. Someday I will get help with it, but I don’t see it changing.

Well, at least I am in a better place than in my last post.

Enjoy your day.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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