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Wednesday, November 24, 2021 -A bad time.

Well hi everyone. I need to write a shitty blog. As you may know, I am bipolar, Bipolar 1. And as many people have indicated for a while is that I have been manic, I wish that back right now. The doctor is worried about my irregular sleep as well as all these fantastic ideas and projects and energy that I had. Dr. worried about my sleep. Sleep is essential in keeping mania down, lack of sleep can bring on mania. So dr gave me a new medication, she said if it doesn’t keep you asleep the night, take the full pill, so the first night I still got up. Feeling brave and maybe a little excited to have a normal night’s sleep I take a whole pill.

So yesterday I spent the day feeling like I was hit by a truck, which I am really surprised at cause I am on a list of them already and they don’t make me feel like this one. I dragged my ass to get groceries and get this was in bed at 7 pm. Fast-forwarding to today, I don’t want to talk to friends or people, I am irritable, I would even say angry. I just want to hide. I was frozen and lay under my blankets on the couch. I started crying “I want to die” comes out of my mouth, and I scream it loud, think I want to go to the hospital but I have too much to take care of.

Neil isn’t doing well, his cat is very sick and he is trying to keep him comfortable but …now he didn’t want me over because I had too much energy and he just wanted quiet. so I got really offended and that is why I don’t want to be around people right now. tried to lighten the mood and distract him a little with my fun news, but I just kept getting shushed.

So I am not going over. Not going over to my husband’s house to support him. My husband can’t handle his wife.

So what is the point? NO way we will ever live together, my mental health is just getting worse as I age. Mania is my big thing, I was happy, I had energy, I stayed busy all day, I moved furniture by myself, like who doesn’t want that. I am a social butterfly, until I find out I am too much to handle then I just want to crawl in a hole and die. Not really, I know things will go back to mania, and I will force it back, I know all the tricks, I will get out of this stupid medicated funk. And I won’t be taking the rest of my meds for a couple of days, just take one and forget the other 2 antipsychotics I am on, and absolutely not this benzenoid, how the fuck anyone could get addicted to something that makes you feel like shit or makes you sleep all the time, isn’t my idea of a fun addiction.

Eating ya, forget about that, while I am feeling like shit I will focus on losing weight, the nice thing about mania is one minute (or second) I would feel hungry and then get sidetracked doing something else, when Neil left for England I didn’t stop moving shit and reorganizing my house so it would look nice for Neil when he got back I lost 4 pounds in 2 days lol. I got rid of the big comfy couch because it was too big for my space now that I have my office in my living room. Why is it there? Well slowly moving my daughter out of the basement and she will have my office (hence moving it to livingroom) ANd the reason for all this is Neil and I are supposed to finish the basement to make a room for rent, and it will be big with own bathroom and a little kitchenette. Neil is too tired to do this. 

Kids aren’t overjoyed about the idea of having someone strange living in OUR home. I don’t have much choice if I want to stay here. I am very proud of how far I have gone, that despite the mania I have been able to hold a mortgage, but gets iffy sometimes, and then I have to remortgage. I still have to decrease my limit on my visa, I can’t manage a $4000.00  limit because I will charge it up and I can’t do that, so tomorrow I should call the bank.

I write to Neil, try having convo but I feel so unimportant to him, not into my music or my singing or my drive to be the lead vocalist in a band but I’m not quitting.

Oddly enough Neil says he feels unimportant too because I can never remember what he said, or I am not jumping his bones for sex.

Libido, that’s another thing. It got better when I started taking some hormone replacement as I head into menopause (ya I am that old) seemed to help, now with all this going on, the fun stuff, and now the sad stuff with Neil’s cat, I don’t have room or happiness to jump anyone’s bones. And after a night of being told to be quiet and then head to bed and he wants his fun. Well, my new med must have numbed me out cause I didn’t have any reaction to his touch. This is temporary but I hate hearing it, “you have no libido” so he talks with another girl who sends pics back and forth with him, maybe if he did that for me and make it special for me it would do something for me, but knowing he is sending his pics to someone else, well, that pic doesn’t mean anything to me. Why should it? That’s like getting a recycled gift. But holy shit did it ever piss him off that I did it with another guy. Freaked.

And now that girl says it’s ok by her man that she plays with us.

Well, news alert It ain’t happening.

Supposed to get together with friends but of course don’t remember talking about it, then another friend says she will come to Neil’s now I have to tell her I already made plans. But I don’t want to do anything at all now unless I get a bit more energy.

I hate this, the medication, and can with one pill kill my mania. It will come back I know it, I just have to survive where I am now, and I don’t like this. Like I am pissed off, I was having so much fun and had a positive fun aura around me, now I just feel like I am under a black cloud and don’t want to be around people…

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

3 replies

  1. If I could send you anything, I would send you strength (Not pics!). I can’t offer advice as I know virtually nothing of the subject. I just hope you begin to feel better and stronger and get through to the good times again.

    Liked by 1 person

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