Saturday, July 12th
It has been a long time since I have written anything I have been so busy with school and singing. School is hard, having a hard time focusing and organizing myself, but learned I can focus outside or on the bus.
But the newest adventure is we went to friends. It is the BDSM couple we used to play with. I, in a bit of hypomania, thought it would be fun to get back involved in things like we used to. But that all came apart one pizza night.
Anyways, I did a moon celebration for them to bring good luck to their home. The new moon is to set intentions and the start of something new.
Do you want to hear strange? The next day I have several new friend requests, and the one with the most wow factor was being approached by a musician. He is a guitarist.
Back briefly to my dream..8 years of karaoke, dreaming to be able to do just that, to dreaming about doing an open mic, which I have done and the next thing on my list that I dream of is to be in a duet. This happens to me when I am hypomanic, however, I am following through with everything. Just gives me the ideas and positivity that I like so much.
And back briefly to our time with BDSM ended as the number one factor was broken, Trust.
But I realized another thing too, I was probably more resentful for being rejected, hurt too. So I have been working on stuff like that, and each time I celebrate the moon phases something in me or around me changes. I did some mindful meditation about forgiveness, to not hold a grudge, and the famous “I am enough” meditation. It has helped me hugely for a lack of a better word. My heart feels at ease, not like a lightning bolt going through it. I am more at peace around people.
The day after I did the moon ceremony I had a musician request friendship, knows all the other music guys I know. I spoke of my dream, and he responded with,
“I’m sure it will happen that’s the thing about music it can’t be forced it has to develop naturally”
Sooooo, if I am patient, and continue to do better and better at open mic, and even karaoke, maybe I will pick up a guitarist along the way, or maybe this guy will be. Imagine that.
“I am going to be a rock star” is my favorite manic statement, yet I am living it out relatively stable.
I opened pandora’s box and let the man roam, but it went too far for me and it has wrecked my head. This is why we got out of the scene of different scenarios we would previously engage in.
Not everything worked for us, and some bumps along the road which are usually settled with conversations, learning through this. Well, I think I am excited to say I have also reconnected with Lydia after about a year of not speaking. My doing, for several reasons I thought, I apologized and we talked about it and settled things. So we are on our way to incorporate her into our life as we once did.
Yes, my libido is up, dr saying I am hypomanic, but… want to do what I want to do while the going is good.
I kind of froze up last night at friends, I wasn’t as anxious as I have been and I was supposed to lead the way and I made no move to. We have all been together, but I guess after a year of not seeing each other, I needed to feel the moment more, it just didn’t seem to go in that direction, however, I knew I needed to gauge and process my “Scene” that I had planned on doing. I was able to visualize my thoughts, oh next time, grab bulls by the horn let’s do this dammit. I am so courageous in so many aspects of my life and I struggle asking her dom permission to touch her. That’s what made it a little less exciting for me. I have to work on that for next time. I also saw that I could have monopolized our visit with magic and sex, I was naked for the ceremony. But other than that I showed nothing. But yet..my body was really turned on, Neil noticed. So Yes next time I will just jump into it.
Let the adventures begin. The past is in the past.
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.