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Sadness

I broke down. It’s been a couple of months now that my daughter decided she was more stable at her Dad’s. Which is a complete turnaround as she had never been close to her dad, but I guess, well they are now. For those of you following me, you will know the bipolar, you will see the episodes. This is the reality. 

My daughter suffers from Mental health issues,  they are watching her for bipolar, as no surprise. The ADHD apparently came from me as well. I was trying to sing a couple of our songs, karaoke version, as I wanted her on my mind, picturing us singing together. I couldn’t do it. Yesterday I tried to sing Let It Go, you know, from the Disney movie. That didn’t work as I doubled over in sobs.  Heart Ache. And as I write this, more tears.

I guess I have emersed myself into something challenging and a bit obsessive during my current episode. Music, singing, doing open mic, and more recently even joined that girl Jessica in one of her solo performances. I can’t stop thinking and talking about singing, compulsively singing all day. Daydreaming, setting goals for myself, all really good things and maybe it is, perhaps I need to ….oh…feel successful, as now, I have my doubts about the very most important things to me, my kids.

I need the brain break. This is what happens to me.

I held it together for years as my daughter struggled. And somehow she has managed to change things around for herself, but in order to maintain that move forward, she needs consistency, knowing what to expect, calmness, routine. All the stuff I have not been able to do as of late, I’d say definitely since the onset of Covid I have been at my worst.

Actually no I haven’t.

Regardless, I can’t give what my daughter needs right now. I cried at Christmas, she gave me a key chain and it was engraved and said “Remember I love you Mom”

It couldn’t have been a better and most fitting and most needed message that I could have gotten based on the current situation.

I don’t know how long she will live with him. Is it just for the school year? Is it for another month and then things be ok?

Sadness ya, underneath all that drive to be a rock star, as you will see in my other posts and probably my next. This has probably been a bit of a trigger for me.

Now,the other side to this, I am learning to look at things in two ways, my usual negative, or my new efforts to be more positive I try and see things both ways.

My daughter and I are very enmeshed, I know this isn’t healthy. But it is what it is. We are also almost identical and very in tune with each other. We both feed off each other, that sort of ‘closeness” But what I also know is that at some point it would be healthy for me to “cut the cord” which some would have suggested that much sooner, my daughter has not been in the position to be on her own, so I stepped in of course. ANyways this is sort of forced cutting of the cord. Maybe indeed it is her only way of feeling independent, so not have me around so much.

So maybe yes, there is a good side to this, but sometimes it hurts and sometimes it makes me cry.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

3 replies

      1. Hello Tidalscribe ( I don’t know your name) I think to my disappointment ..have I lost you as a follower,? I can’t seem to find you and could you let me know why, you are one of my oldest followers from the beginning. I n.oticed I lost a follower and I am worried about offending followers, same time I am happy to write what I want, but I like happy readers, or at least intrigued readers lol. Hope you have a good day

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