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I guess you may have thoughts about my last post that were disagreeable with you. It’s the chance I took writing it, yes, this is how bad it has gotten. However, there have been some positive factors and perhaps this is nature’s way of changing things. I worked all my life to try and settle, I have done years of therapy, I have done cognitive behaviour therapy I have done dialectic therapy, I am mainly compliant with my meds (until weight gain) I know I would function better if I had a schedule to my day. Well, I did, when I was doing my college course. That helped me and was interesting enough to make it part of a routine.  I tend to find things that increase the likelihood of mania, less sleep, more stimulation. Sometimes this just happens on its own.

I know how to crack the mania but I don’t want to. Not until I am beyond rationale. If you have ever had a mixed mania you will see how glorious hypomania can be.

I started writing this the other day, my post has been on my mind. I wondered what others were thinking about me. I was wondering who said “get better then” (In reference to I miss My Daughter post)

Maybe that was my voice. I have been dealing with mania on and off for the most part of 8 years,( actually since 2005)  a couple of depressions and more than I would like of my shared of mixed episodes. I just came out of one, horrendous. So I am liking the buzz for life I have now, the “I want to be a rock” start again. Things that only seem possible when I am just a little bit manic, hypomania. The sweet spot of bipolar.

Maybe there is a way to do the rock star bit but be sane. It seems to surface more when I feel good about myself again, hypomania. See why it is hard to let go? I have more energy, more drive, kind of get really stuck involved in things, but generally harmless, who cares really that I haven’t done dishes in 3 days…I submitted three poems to a publishing company. They have a contest, and just finishing my course on poetry it is very timely, maybe I will get the luck.

I hate feeling lazy and tired, I hate it when I don’t have a drive, I hate it when I can’t be creative, and I really hate when it gets so bad I don’t even want to sing. That’s depression…but what about in between…what does in between feel like, what does it feel like day in day out…are you productive?  My daughter is with her father. He has the same thing day in day out. His mood is rather similar day in day out, he has a car, it’s easier to get around, he has money so it is easier to have things bought, meals are at the same time, bedtime is at the same time. Probably wipe your ass the same way (haha really? Are there other ways?) 

I am consistently inconsistent. I don’t want my day to look the same day in day out. I want to be able to change things up a bit, I would get so bored if I did the same thing day in day out. When I was doing my college work I had it in my morning routine and if it was going well I would continue into the early afternoon.

Then I like a break, maybe I have to walk Archie, maybe I have to run some errands. Maybe I just sing the rest of the day till Neil gets here. Sometimes I just continue. I can’t sit in front of that tv every evening. I might as well be alone. My demons speak to me,,,

Focus. On the good stuff, focus on ways maybe I could settle a bit. Bring the mania down a notch. 

My boots today rocked my world. I got them in the mail today. I got all dressed up for Neil to see. I forget he is tired, coming straight from his job and I bounce in the room and say how do you like?…I am all excited, and honestly, I dont think he even responded after the urgh when I hugged him. I am about 3 inches taller and I don’t think he liked that. So I am having a pout in my office.

But man theses boots

I am going to be a rock star

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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