Tuesday, April 7th, 2020

I haven’t been around much. I have been feeling rather down. I thought this would give me huge opportunities to write yet the demons are thick in my head making me full of doubt. On virtually anything I do. I am always criticizing myself, doubting myself.

This is a huge turn from someone who usually is fighting mania. It is not often I get depressed. But I am talking to Neil and he sees what I do. I think I might even have mixed mania as I can hardly sit still. Amazingly enough the other day I checked my steps on my knock off Fitbit and I had done over five thousand steps. In my tiny house. I think I went,  “Oh! Oops.” It was then that I saw the traces of agitation. The unsettled. The tense. The inability to sit still.

Then I crocheted. Well, I am learning, still, and consistently getting it wrong. I will be video chatting with my sister tomorrow and my half-sister has offered as well. I have been trying to do long projects, I have big goals. I want to make a blanket. I don’t want to make little squares. I want a big project. Now I am expecting too much of myself, then I doubt myself, then I berate myself. It’s a vicious circle.

I am really loving crocheting, even if I have been doing it wrong. It is mind-numbing, and I have less physical agitation, I settle, in a chair in front of the computer as I watch “How to crochet.” I don’t pace. Turns out my daughter is now knitting, and this is a great coping strategy and she sees the benefits as she struggles with mental health stuff too. 

I just found out that we are now having city shutdowns until June 30th of this year. I have written some more entries and I am not sure if I will post them, maybe I can just put them all together.

I am very sad about this. Means no flowers, except for my lilies and my shrubs. I am so glad I did that project last year. I will be missing buying my annuals, as our Home Depot is closed. It is a shame too because we all have time on our hands and we can’t even renovate. I would love to do my bedroom. Maybe someone has leftover paint they need to get rid of, maybe they can do a paint drop off. Maybe I could paint my bedroom and get new curtains. Could get a bed frame. Mattress would be hard to buy without trying it first. Maybe I will look on the Ikea website. Maybe they are still delivering?

Indeed they are. So I just put a post on FB that I am looking for paint that someone might want to get rid of. I can’t go to the stores, maybe someone has something in their

basement that they need to get rid of. How brilliant is that, except Joe posted his colour. Yikes. A really nice vibrant colour. Would not suit my decor. Which is very earthy. So now I am in a bit of a pickle. He didn’t seem to mind.

I can order everything I need to. I can order a bed frame, I checked out their mattresses and have one in mind to buy, taking a chance but why not?  I would sleep on anything. Just Neil is probably pickier. 

I need some sort of project that has me spending some money. I want to do things with the house. I want a fresh bedroom like Neil has. He just redid the floors, they used to be parquet and now they are a beautiful laminate.

He downsized his bed from a king to a queen he had in his son’s room. It gives the room more space but he stuck his chair in the other corner and it doesn’t look right. It is strange that he did that.

Anyways, not my place. But speaking of his place and my place. I just about had a total meltdown yesterday. Neil has kindly offered to cook for me and he is making up a veggie form of curry chicken. I wanted to do my own thing while he worked in the kitchen as we do things differently and if I don’t literally back away I might say something. (God forbid I might be right sometimes ).

Anyways,  (yes I say anyways and not anyway because I always write it and say it anyways, and anyways, I am not changing that 😉

So Neil said he wanted me to help around. He asked for a one-third cup of rice, and I began to make it, filling up the pot to boil water and he says,

“No no you are going to do it my way.”

OH MY GOD!

I am discovering that I am um. Controlling. Not in all matters, but in many ways. Like how I handle my kitchen and my dishes, camping, paint colours…

I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. Everything. Everything is stripped from me. I can’t buy my own groceries, I can’t go out. And now, I am cooking in my kitchen the way HE does. URGH.

No joke but it gave me feelings I really didn’t like. I have very little control over any of this. Neil has become in control of what we eat, and when we eat. He has control over how I normally diet through the day, he has control of the time and frequency of him going out, saying things like don’t pig out on the yogurt.

Like, excuse me? Now you are goin to tell me what I can eat? WTF. I can’t take this.

Till June 30th.

BUT ALAS, I am going to do my blood work tomorrow. I want to see that my levels are back where they are supposed to be after my round of chemo for my MS treatment last year. I know the levels last time was better. I just want to hear that they are normal and when I do, I will get my own groceries, and I will get my ball of yarn, I do have some coming from Amazon but their deliveries have been bogged down, not able to keep up with the demand, the deliveries are based on a month from now. 

Yes. I am a huge grump right now and in a funk.

On the plus side of things, a very cool thing is happening right now. My friend from karaoke has put together a karaoke page for people to do their songs and get out and sort of socializing. It is a wonderful thing and it has brought people together. I have been singing rather flatly, with little emotion. Not the same girl everyone is used to. I need to find her again. She is just bogged down with so much. Like we all are.

Need to find some chipper songs that I can actually sing. Something rock star. Like “I love rock n roll.”

But I don’t have the umph in me to have that kind of fun. I think it was squashed when my neighbour came over the other night and rang the doorbell, we were being too loud. So I guess now I am nervous about doing it at all. Our houses are attached and my office /studio is up against their bedroom so it seems. I guess they go to bed early.

Well, I am out looking for some food. I think I will make some popcorn. Tomorrow I go on vid so my sister can show me how to crochet and my neurologist is supposed to call me as well. Busy day ha. Don’t forget, a walk with Archie.

I am trying to stay busy. I am trying to stay sane like everybody else. I have it easy. My thoughts are with those who don’t have it easy right now.

Notes: I am bipolar with a shopping addiction who uses retail therapy to get through things, alas I just realized my room project. Even the groceries. I think I am actually having physical withdrawals.  I think it might be a mixed episode. Now, there is a full moon coming and I often look up and say,

“Oh that’s right, of course, a full moon, that explains it”

And most often it does. Or maybe I am always like this. Maybe not just in a full moon…

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: bipolar depression isolation mania materialism mixed episode

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.