Sunday, April 19th, 2020
And when one falls. One rises again.
Story of my life. If you have not read previous blogs, I am bipolar. I just had a depressive episode. And morphed into a bit of hypomania. I told the doctor this would happen and he agreed via our patient phone call appointment. I seem to say that each time. This time I am certain I have, since 2005, found my pattern. Depression is followed by a mixed episode, and surviving that, to the side where the grass is in fact greener. It’s a lovely place to be after feeling like a dark cold soul.
Briefly how I experience it all. Real brief.
The depression normally is short-lived. Been a while since I have had a full-blown out depressive episode like this lasting a month or two, I have lost track. Most people can relate to the dark places your mind can take you, the lack of motivation…So my experience similar to yours.
My mixed episodes are hardest to explain. It’s this total energy, but not a positive one, a very irritable movement. Pacing, restless. I call it agitation. An irritable mood. Argumentative, social paranoia. Self-doubt. Dark thoughts. Desperation.
Thank God for Seroquel.
My mania starts with hypomania (see next) But then you have more pressure in your head, too many thoughts, too much agitation, inability to stop, maxing out credit cards and engage in risky behaviours or ending up at emerge or inpatient. Blood pressure goes up substantially. I need meds for my blood pressure now. I saw my doctor and said;
“I will always be manic and I will always be on Seroquel.”
Some truth to that. The mania stuff is much more prevalent with me. Seroquel can cause blood pressure changes. Might as well treat me for the state I am in 95% of the time then to go by the numbers if I had just finished half an hour of meditation. I can’t live my day in meditation..naa really I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be happy with that either. I have grown to make peace with my episodes. For the most part.
That is the best place.
Everything is fun. Seriously your senses become more in tune, you smell the flowers, you feeeel the sun, the colours are brighter, things get shiny. Maybe a drug-induced euphoria would be equivalent, but if you feel that on say, weed, my hypomania surpasses that elation.
I spend a lot of money. I go to as many stores as I can, I burn off my energy shopping. I burn my energy doing something like gardening my whole front lawn, that was last summer. It’s tireless energy, just keeps going. You can get a lot accomplished. I tend to enjoy writing more, listening to music more, I am rarely productive around the house, I am usually too much on the go, getting out of the house any chance I can take. Sometimes sleep can be affected, late nights, night owls, that is my favourite, but I take meds so as long as I take them I do sleep. And I won’t do all-nighters when Neil is here, we go to bed together. But. If I am on my own and that little energy bunny light turns on, I hope for an all-nighter. When I am hypo.
When I step over the edge of hypomania, I find myself in the mania. Like you can’t stop even when you try. Before I was medicated I had been up for 72 hours. At first, it is fun. Yay me 24 hours!! Then Woohoo, party girl 48 hours!! Then by the time it gets the doctors it’s been over 72 hours, I am scared, I can’t stop, I thought I was going to have to be hospitalized. I just couldn’t stop.
He gave me a prescription for Zeldox, it’s classified as an anti-psychotic. That cut it. That broke the mania. I am still on it today.
But now, when I have mania I have to take larger doses of Seroquel.
Problem with mania is it tells you,” No no haha, I don’t need them. It will be fun.” Which at first is great. Till you can’t manage it and it’s too late. Now it is hard. Now it is destructive, now skyrockets your blood pressure…the thoughts just get so much. So much.
And you end up back at the hospital, once in-patient, a couple of close calls and a couple of emergency visits. That kind of mania.
So. I have done the depressive episode and I somehow managed to squeeze out of my mixed episode.
Yes, as suspected I have started going up. I wouldn’t say too much. I am more active, I am more chatty, I write more, I lose track of time, I get stuck doing one thing very intently forget about chores and other necessary things like forgetting to eat..
Perhaps there already. And after my dark spell, I just can’t fathom trying to tame the beast, it’s only begun. It’s as tame as a sheep right now. Sheep. BA BA. bahaha!
I think I am funny too when I am a bit hypomanic. Mm ok, so ya, ok I see the signs.
I wondered what set me off.
So I had a visit with my parents a couple of times, we stand outside. I use a lot of energy to be animated when I don’t feel like it. It tired me out. Same thing happened last time.
Then my friend has this karaoke group thing going on. And I am posting videos of me doing karaoke.
At first, my song choices were mellow. That was when my mood was low. I actually broke down in a couple of songs, ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon and ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water’ by Simon & Garfunkel. They were incredibly heartfelt. I am not a good singer however but it would so cool if I put it on youtube so you could all see it.
Now. Well. My choices are happy upbeat fun songs, very animated songs, Like Don’t Bring me Down’ By Electric Light Orchestra and ‘Bitch’ Ny Meridith Brooks. I even danced in them. And I don’t dance. Well except by myself. But the brave came and I danced, on camera for 500 people. That’s downright brazen that is. The only time that is possible for me is when I have a little hypo going on. I can’t squash this. This is safe. I will be ok.
What set me off? Stimulation.
Socializing, making videos, making banana bread for my parents for my dad’s birthday. So does friends chat video..oh my. Ya, that kind of stimulation sets me off a bit.
I will be fine though. This should last a little while before it gets bad. A couple of months will get me through this quarantine. It will help me to be relatively functional and not wasting away in bed, dragging my feet…
Which would you prefer?
Oh, and I am more social. I have more to say, I have more confidence chatting with people, I have fun and I don’t self doubt all the time ( that was really bad for me in the depressive and mixed episode, nasty).
I did the funnest thing ever. I hosted a virtual party. In the same manner, as I have over the winter. Over the winter, I hosted a party each month to get through the cold dreary weather. I made them PJ parties. I told them to bring their dogs. I told them to stay the night. To park their cars and just have fun.
I used to host larger parties at my old house. But my new place is much smaller. And I am really enjoying this small group of friends. We have also gone camping with them, two couples, well one of them is single now but I am sure not for long, oh but quarantine shitty…
So the five of us were on video. The girl with the most creativity figured out a way we could play charades and Pictionary. I tell you, I have not had so much bloody fun as I did last night. It was hysterical. I had all my lighting figured out. For a while it was difficult to set up, then when we decided on settling on the couch we moved my small laptop on the small table in front of us. We had originally been put up on the tv screen, but I wanted to be closer to the group. So we moved it. But it too was dark until I figured out what combinations of lights work. I actually took the lamp from my bedroom and put it on the table, just on the other side of the laptop and it worked. Our pic was clear now.
We said good night at 11 pm. My neighbours have had to come to my house twice in the evening to aks me to turn down my music. Because I have been doing my karaoke practicing and videoing in my office with my speakers, microphone and amp. The base is quite low, the way I like it. But you can feel the walls vibrate. My house is attached. So my office is beside one of their kids’ rooms. SO now my curfew is 9 pm, for music in my office, and I figure 11 pm would be fine in my living room as it is away from the bedrooms. Our in-person parties do last longer though, past midnight.
It was fun. If you have a few buddies on social media, like Facebook you can arrange a group video chat. It is bringing people together everywhere. You don’t have to be alone. I suppose, if you are fortunate enough to have some technology, of course, I realize that, but seeing as we are all here we all have access… Spending a bit of time with friends, face to face on video chat, it is really nice. I am looking forward to the next event.
You know, I am learning more about myself keeping track of my thoughts and where I am. I was able to see a full bipolar cycle of depression, mixed episode, and mania here, and even on my karaoke page. Live documentation lol. Short film maybe? * I have rights to that now k.
I received more yarn for my new pass time of crocheting. I am working on a blanket. I am doing a top and bottom edge with a mixed yarn of green and purple, and then I received my plain lilac yarn in the mail the other day, and I just completed a row. Looks half decent for my first project.
But I am a bit too hyper now.
Hope you are all staying safe and well and have family or friends around you somehow, and you always have here. Great time to create.
-And this too shall pass.
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.