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Decisions

It has been 24 days since I have driven. Dr.’s orders while I take a higher dose of meds to control my mania. Two things going on here that are on my mind.

My car, number one. It has been on my mind a lot.  Just like everything else, I start obsessing and hyper-focusing.  So I have been taking public transit. At first, I was a bit nervous.  I didn’t know the bus routes or bus numbers, I didn’t even know where the bus stops were. But I had a bus pass that I had gotten when my daughter got hers.

Low and behold I love taking the bus, I am walking tons now as sometimes I decide that I can walk to certain places that before I would have been too lazy, why walk when I have a car?

But walking is one of the best things to do in treatment with bipolar so it seems, exercise is so important, and I have always been ya whatever, though I did build a little gym in my house after I was admitted to the hospital a few years ago for mania.

Well, I now enjoy it. I get to clear my mind. The bus, well for many reasons I am enjoying it. I don’t have to try and focus on my driving, I don’t have to worry about getting into an accident. Put it this way, when I was driving I was so anxious about getting into an accident, about causing an accident, or getting rear-ended again (I had terrible whiplash last time).

And I had this thought that I remember saying.

“If I get into another accident I am not driving anymore”

Now I am thinking 

“Why wait for an accident, why not stop driving now, before I get into another accident?”

I am almost certain now that I don’t want to drive anymore. I keep having visuals of accidents, I have panic attacks when I hear sirens. Have I already talked about this? Well, it is on my mind big time again.

I decided I want to sell my car. I think. But I am not “allowed” making decisions right now until the mania subsides, which I am currently still fighting with.

I told Neil that when he gets a better car, I will sell mine.  Right now he is using my car to get around town. Except when he works he needs his “work mobile”.  But together we ride in mine. So I can’t sell it yet.

He has his eyes on a vehicle, he is just waiting for the safety and we will know in the next few days. So I want to clean up my car and get it ready for sale, which I won’t get much for it as it has no muffler literally, we removed it, my son and I months ago as it was rotting and had rusted off the rest of the exhaust. Each door has small dings from other stupid drivers that have whacked into my car, likely in parking lots. I have scratches and rust, and problems with the suspension. But I love it. I love it for camping… “How will I go camping?”

Well, Neil is looking at a Volvo Suv. Plenty of room for camping gear. Yay. So I hope he gets it.

Then I think, “How will I take my kids’ camping, that one or two times in the summer?” Every now and then the kids just want to camp with their mamma, especially Rebecca.

How will I get my dog to the groomers to have his nails cut?

How will I get my groceries from Costco? 

Well, I have figured all that out. For camping, I can actually rent a car. I would rent a nice SUV or Minivan (this means I have to be well enough to drive, which by summer I should be unless I am hit with more mania.) Archie, well I can get the “portable groomers” to come to my house. And Costco, well there is uber, and Neil goes there as well, so I can always go with him.

I have already established that I can easily go to my parents’ house on bus, even though it takes an hour it feels so much better than racing down the highway in a hurry.

I can get to my doctor’s apt, and not have to pay parking.

So, I have all those issues covered.

What about the pros of selling my car? I made a list;

Pros;

1)More exercise

2)Relaxed

3) bipolar shit, meds, mania

4) Save money with repairs tires, 2 sets, 800$, muffler, 500$ clutch? (1300+ clutch)

5) Save money with insurance (90$,) (1080$)

6) Save money on gas. (90)) (1080)

Save money on yearly license plates (90$)

(Total $5000.00 saved

7) Save on Parking 10 x12 120 min)

8) (TOTAL MIN $ 5120.00 Year)

9) Won’t need a double driveway

10) Better for the environment

11) Don’t have to have panic attacks when I hear sirens.

12) Having a hard time focusing on roads.

All my cons have been sorted. It should be clear cut, an easy decision. But I have to wait. I have to wait till I am not manic and not obsessing, or as I say not stuck in a “phase.”

I am not going to get very much for my car. I would be lucky to get $800.00, and that is a shame. I paid $2500.00 for it when I bought it. If I sell my car now, I won’t be able to buy another car, even when I am feeling well. SO will I regret not putting money into my current car? Will the whole bus and walking phase burn out?

This is a serious issue that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  When I was about twenty years old, I had my first car, but it too had problems, it needed brakes and I couldn’t afford them so I made the decision to sell my car. I cried. I will cry if I sell my current car, I think I was relieved when I sold my Mazda 5 and all of its issues. I like my “things”. 

But when I first sold my Chevette ( my first car), I just took the bus, and I really didn’t care that I was on the bus.  I am enjoying the mind freedom of not have to be responsible for my driving, with the potentials of things happening that I would never forgive myself for.

So maybe this should be an easy decision, and I have a back up of reasons.

I just have to wait till all the mania goes.  One thing I am allowed to decide is that I am not driving this winter. Oh yes, some more reasons for not having a car is I don’t have to scrape the car in ice storms or brush off my car in winter snowstorms. The amount of time it would take for that I could be on the warm city bus.

I think I have very good reasons. I will wait for another month. Maybe. Let’s just see if Neil gets his car first though.

I can totally do this no car thing.

My second issue is gaining 10 pounds since I have started the higher dose of meds twenty-four days ago. That isn’t going over too well with me. That’s a whole other post.

Christine W. Forgues

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

1 reply

  1. I don’t drive; it’s fun driving a car along nice quiet roads, but traffic and parking to me are a nightmare. We often had no car when the children were young. Of course they are very useful, but walking, buses and trains are good for you and the environment. All life is on the bus, it can be very entertaining!

    Liked by 1 person

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