Menu Home

Empty

I am sitting here, house to myself and I am blank.  The meds worked. It took quite a bit of time. But ya, they worked.  I am kind of in a bit of a fog. I still don’t realize that I was sick, though I had my fiancee point it out every chance he got.  Ya, I was manic. But really. What’s the big deal. And my consequences for that is taking meds,”fixing “ my brain. And ending with an empty brain.  I had so many ideas, so much to write about. And now I look at my computer screen and like wtf do I do now. So here I am venting.

This episode was hard on my fiance especially as he was by my side the whole time.

I don’t even feel like writing. This sucks.

So thank you meds for bringing me down, maybe I won’t spend so much money.  Oh, and to top it off I can’t drive because of the meds and having to take them during the day.  So I decided (when I was manic) that I should sell my car and rely on the bus. My doctor told me to not make any decisions while “manic” so my car sits in my driveway.

I do love driving.  I have a cute little Versa and it is manual.  But I don’t like the rushing around, the compulsion to jump in my car to spend money.  I don’t like close calls with accidents and I am afraid I am not really focused on the road.  City driving is busy. Stresses me out. And I rush. When I am in my car I rush everywhere, I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I rush, I get anxious (will I be there on time?), I am always in a hurry.

So the bus I say.  I am 48 and learning to use the bus.  HA, and that is giving me some anxiety but I know once I get on the right routes for all my appointments and when I see that I can still do groceries and not have a car.  When I realize that walking 30 minutes (was over an hour today) isn’t a bad thing, and quite frankly maybe that’s why I am a bit flat tonight..did the meds completely wipe me out, or did the exercise and fresh air take all of my energy?  Or maybe a bit of both.

Is it hard to ask for happiness that doesn’t come from mania?  I’m sad. I feel sad, and I hope that doesn’t bring me to bad places like the last time I crashed.  Be good I see my psychiatrist Friday. Friday the 13th. Perhaps my lucky day that my doctor will give me a break from these meds.  Or well I will give myself a break from these meds. I have already started, because yesterday I took my morning dose and within half an hour I was crawling to my bed, napping for almost 3 hours.  They hit me hard. And I know that

when the meds hit hard its because I don’t need them.  So maybe I take a little less tonight. And maybe I get rid of my daytime doses.  And maybe still I won’t drive. I save money from not having to park at doctors’ offices.  Save money on gas. And maybe I won’t have to get those new winter tires (Canada eh?)

Now?  Snow? Well, we got dumped on big time a couple of weeks ago and now it has all melted except for the light dusting of snow we got yesterday.  It looks pretty and maybe it will stay for Christmas.

Christmas. SO… every year I have realized my bipolar gets worse.  As does my anxiety. I am a bit OCD about buying presents, and making sure everyone is equal.  Well both my kids opened their unwrapped Xmas gifts and yay everyone was happy. And I don’t have to wait weeks to find out if people like their gifts.

I said to my doctor last week “I told you I go crazy around Christmas time.”

I wanted to put up my Christmas tree early.  Before the mania got bad, I was excited. But when the mania wasn’t so good and the thought of cluttering my already cluttered home with more clutter..well I decided it would be better to keep the stimulation down. Yes, clutter is bad for mental health, I just read another article about it.  But I have a small home now and I try not to clutter it, but I still like my things. And I would shop for more things for my house. I would shop for your house too if I had that kind of money. I can fill your empty corners or empty walls.

SO…my fiance and I do not live together and we won’t for several years as we wait for young ones to move on to their independent adult lives.  There is one section of a wall, the wall above the door that is empty. It drives me crazy..something could go there! Then my fiancee announces that that is his wall and he doesn’t want any decorations on it. Ba humbug.

I do like to fill all my walls, and all my corners with decorative things, a plant, a lamp, a table, some decorations.  I almost was able to use all my furniture from my big house to my little house, except for 2 extra couches and a wall ladder shelf thingy.  Oh and another couple of tables.

I am materialistic in the sense that I love my things and I like more shiny things.  I am not into diamonds or expensive things and I don’t ask for expensive things from my fiance, but I like little nicknacks, I have some that are really important to me, like my wood sculpture of a man and woman, naked embracing as they sit face to face.  I collect elephants, they are my favourite animal and I hope someday I can see them in

heir natural habitat, not a zoo, that’s’ cruel.  I like owls too and have a big colourful owl on the inside of my forearm.  A tattoo.

My kid’s dad, looked after the kids while I took my meds, as though I was in the hospital, as we all thought was a good idea.  I needed that time to level out a bit without so much stimulation. And I was looking forward to them being home, but now they have gone out for the evening, my fiancee is at his home, and once again I have the house to myself.  Which I often like but right now I am feeling meh about it.

Saw a video on FB of two sweet pit bulls that needed homes, but they had to go together they were inseparable.  Then after two months, a lovely couple came to rescue them. I love rescue stories. My dog I have now is a rescue.  And if I did it again I would only get a rescue. These poor pups stuck behind cages for how long?? And it’s Christmas.

So one of the signs I am manic is when I start looking for more pets, I got stuck on having three dogs at one point, I already had two.  At one point I had twelve pets, birds, fish, dogs, reptiles. I had it all. Obsessed. Spending. I would buy one, then go right back to pet stores or Kijiji to see if there were any to adopt.  Lizards. Love them. 

But so much sadness goes into them when they fall ill, or at worst they pass.  It is the hardest thing for a pet lover to go through. Losing a pet. I have many stories, but too sad.

I think sometimes just writing makes me feel better.  I have been keeping journals for most of my life. I am writing an ongoing one while we wait for our wedding day. With this tiny bit of hope that maybe someday I will be able to publish it.  Ha. But you never know.

Being here is one of the most exciting things I have done for myself.  Maybe because I am manic still??? Uh oh. It gives me a bit of focus in the day.  I get to read other people’s stories and I get to challenge myself with new pieces to write.

Maybe I am not so empty after all.

Stay happy, stay safe, give your loved ones extra hugs tonight.


Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as:

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: