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The Change

So, my posts have been a bit negative, I certainly was having a hard time, as was my fiance.  I had been dealing with mania that worsened with time and failing to realize that my doctor increased my med I stayed on the lower dose. That didn’t work in the long run for me. The first little while is fun, I feel on top of the world, but then that mania goes bad, becomes difficult, affects my relationship and my finances, and my kids too.  My fiance is so supportive but now that I am out of the woods, he is struggling now exhausted, drained. I am hoping my better frame of mind helps him too. We kind of feed off of each other.

I have just discovered something that people always say “exercise”. “It will make you feel better.” Ya right, eye roll.

I have been so focused on shopping and doing nothing, and by accident, I found something out.

I have stopped driving since last Friday because of my dose of meds and the fact that I was also taking it in the day. So I had no choice but to bus it to my appointments. Low and behold I love the bus, maybe not standing out in the windy cold, but for now, I dress warm and venture off on a bus.  The one thing about buses is sometimes you have to walk a distance. I am fortunate to live near a Walmart, Food basic and a drug store. So yesterday I walked to all three I was tired and happy to get in my warm pyjamas. I did pretty much the same today. After feeling dead, blank and pissed that I had to take more meds, I felt something else.

Peace.  I don’t have to rush out in my car, I don’t have the options of speeding around in my car trying to do 20 things (most involve shopping for stuff I don’t need.)  I don’t have to worry about rush hour traffic, I don’t have to get anxious, I don’t have to wonder if I am really paying attention to the road. I don’t have to worry about dying from some accident I could have caused.

But something else. I am walking more, I am getting more exercise and my doctor today was happy that I told her I am walking as much as I can. And. It is working.  I was in such a fog this morning, blank mind, creativity is gone I felt a bit pissy about it. I just jump-started my energy by walking, by taking the bus. And right now, I feel alive. Not manic, just a normal sense of well being.  I am taking care of myself. The mania has subsided so far, and I still feel alive.

I took a course at a college, “Stress and wellness” I did quite well and am proud. Likely I was manic then and had lots of energy.  I did a research project on “Fitbits”, and of course I was dead set about buying one. I bought a generic brand (half the price) and I wore it regularly I was mindful of trying to walk more, even just to park far away from stores doors.  I had my goal set to do 5000 steps and it worked until I lost interest. I was too busy and rushed to care.

Then it seemed to break and it wouldn’t charge, so I am like great and I missed it. Then last night I tried plugging it in again and it charged!!

Now I have a reason to wear it, now I am pushing myself to walk as much as I can. As of right now, I have 9651 steps today and it is 15:30. I still have the rest of the day and evening to get more steps in. 🙂

I am going to keep doing this, and as much as I love the freedom of driving, I am actually happier walking and taking the bus. This is my healthy me and it has already started.

Will I cure myself of bipolar? No. But maybe I will be better balanced and overall happier that I don’t have to have road rage. No anxiety. Not worried about causing an accident. But I will miss driving my car. I love my little Versa, but maybe its time for me to let go of the car thing and just be more peaceful taking the bus or walking.

Pushing myself further to actually use my rowing machine that I bought manic (I had to have it), Maybe doing some light weights. And maybe, just maybe eat a bit healthier as I have kind of been starving myself off and on.  I also realized that when I am having a hard time coping with something I turn to focus on my weight and trying to lose as much weight as I can. And while manic, I am usually too busy to eat or just don’t think about it.

My peace today feels good.

Happy Friday the 13th, a lucky day for me.

Stay safe, be well and be positive, and yes, exercise does work to some extent. 

I think I might even be genuinely happy now.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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