Hello, I have some things to share and going to try and keep a log here of my experience. I know I have mentioned having an eating disorder, basically on and off from the time I was around seven when I wrote a note to my parents and said “Will you still love me if I am fat.”
Harsh for a young seven-year-old. But it followed me throughout my life. Adolescence was hard until I changed schools for Grade eleven. I was in such a harmful state of back and forth restricting and bingeing and purging. I have come to realize it happens when I am faced with “change’ and when relationships go a bit negative.
Two years ago my mom passed. It was at that time I decided I needed help with my disordered eating. It was also the time I realized I grew up watching my mom being thin, restrictive and having weird phases like drinking boiling water, not even with a tea bag. You know my mom was always there for me but after she passed, was when I realized she had some sort of eating disorder I became angry at her and it took away the grief of losing her.
The nurses asked me if they should tube feed my mom and I said, “ Yes, I have been wanting this for a while. I felt it was needed. .” I know my mom would have been pissed if she was able to say. Making that decision was hard, but I honestly thought if she had proper nutrition she could get better and come home. I was wrong. She passed despite. She had other health issues, but as I read up on them most of the issues could have been related to poor nutrition, starvation. She was really sick at the end and was painful to watch her waste away.
I have a lot of guilt, I should have known to do something sooner but she would have never agreed to treatment.
All to say, and I will cry.
“I don’t want my kids to ever be in the position to try and make that decision for me.”
When I told my daughter she was so happy, when I said “But I will be there for a month if not longer,” she responded with a loud GOOD. I was shocked. She told me that she thought I would never deal with it. My son is quiet about it, doesn’t really share the same ability to show his emotions.
I had decided when I had babies that I would never say “I look fat” knowing it could affect my kids. But it’s not just words, it is actions too. They watched me avoid food, eat weird, and lose substantial weight and tried to keep my weight low. Guess what, my daughter, when she was about 8 started to restrict too. I was blind to it as I was dealing with myself and being in an abusive, emotionally more so but physical stuff too.
I know it was my way of dealing with it, but I didn’t realize kids were aware or noticed anything.
I went from that relationship to a new relationship (currently ten years with Neil) with my partner saying “Just don’t get fat.” the words haunt me and matched my concerns when I asked my parents if they would still love me if I was fat, I guess my partner wouldn’t love me if I was fat. That haunts me even now.
He is super happy I am getting help. Our relationship started to be conflicted and maybe even toxic for many reasons I won’t get into. But I worry about what if I gain weight.
After my mom passed I asked my shrink to get a referral into the Eating Disorder Program at one of the hospitals. I had the referral in about a year before I was diagnosed with cancer and she pulled the referral out. I guess in hindsight it was needed as dealing with the cancer was hard enough on its own but I know I needed nutrition support while I fight cancer. I didn’t nutritionally help myself and had even started to restrict water, which I knew from the college course I took that people need water to be well, I should have been drinking tons of water receiving radiation ( I may have actually hurt some of my organs doing that.) At the time I had a water bottle and was drinking well during the course. Then I guess the eating disorder popped in and even now in hospital I am restricting water, and they haven’t noticed. Monday I will tell my nurse, kind of hanging on to this thinking maybe my weight will go down. I know if I say something they will enforce it with me and I am not ready to let go of everything.
I am currently sitting at my desk in my hospital room in the eating disorder program. I kind of want to keep track and write my experience, though likely it won’t be as detailed as though I was writing a book about it.
Today is day 3. I am not allowed off the unit, though I thought I would after the 72 hours, now I realize it won’t be until after their staff meeting on Wednesday coming talking about my stay, so I want to deal with the water restriction before then, though If I say nothing they won’t or haven’t noticed yet. I kind of need support with this, and if I admit it, maybe that will be a requirement to having off wards. I really do want to get better but Monday is weigh day.
The people here are really nice. I have myself set up nicely here, and guess what?? I was allowed to bring my laptop and even more exciting I got to bring my guitar.
I kind of hope that when the other patients see me doing this, it might inspire them. I also brought paint supplies because that is something I took up. I will include a couple of pictures with this post.
It’s scary. I think I am gaining weight and I will be weighed Monday. I think After I am weighed I will tell my nurse. I am here to get better, but can’t help but take the opportunity to hang on to disordered eating.
We have to stay at the dinner table half hour after we eat, to prevent symptoms of eating disorders like self-induced vomiting. That was a major thing in my teen years. Now I prefer laxatives for purging but I have a story that is uber-disgusting. But when I stood back from it I thought this is nasty what I am doing with my body. To put it in not too much info I basically shit my pants during the night and proceed to…. anyways it was awful. Last time I had an accident in my pants while recording myself playing guitar and singing. I vowed to not do it again, but I did, and I took even more laxatives. After that, I said holy shit (hahaha) I can’t be doing this.
But if I had them here in the hospital I would have taken them as they are giving me amounts of food that I don’t normally eat. Especially breakfast, today was hard after breakfast, I actually wanted to make myself throw up but I didn’t. I did tell my nurse I had thoughts..
Instead, we all sat around the table and the other girls said they wanted me to play for them so the nurse is going to open up the lounge room for us to hang out. I don’t know very many cover songs, but I have Stand By Me. And everyone knows that song so I will warm up the crowd and then try and get them to join me to sing. I think it will be so therapeutic for everyone. I am excited about it. When I am done writing I am goin to warm up.
My relationship with Neil has been toxic? Is it really the eating disorder that has made me paranoid and makes me ruminate around things like people are out to hurt me? I don’t trust. My trust has been broken with people, esp Neil. Not sure I can get over it, still left over from when I lost trust in the integrity of our relationship.
Already and maybe because of the nutrition I have received I find that the ruminating of perceived bad things or perceived breaking of trust. So what if he has female friends?
That is a hard one for me.
All and all I hope I don’t gain too much weight, I am a bit underweight but they seem reasonable to set a ‘goal weight’ together. I guess the measuring is in what will my weight be if I eat what I am supposed to, the amount of calories, the amount of protein etc. Like if I ate what the Canda Food Guide says, I will likely be about 10 pounds heavier I imagine. I don’t want to gain that much weight.
I am glad I made this decision. My kids are uber proud of me. My daughter said I am setting a very strong message of it is important to stay healthy. The message is that I love myself enough to take care of myself. Cause right now I am punishing myself, which is been the theme as well all my life. I am 52 years old on May 18th. 52. TIme to take care of myself me thinks. I will add a couple of pics. Because I have special friends helping me nurture the child within. And that is where it all began.
I thank you for reading, and I hope I can reach others with similar issues and set a good example, even if I am not perfect I am trying. I want to be healthy, It is time I treat myself well.
Have a good weekend.
Deborah- Is my real name. Maybe I don’t have to hide.
Be well. Be positive.
Oh yes, I also introduce, Sir O’ Henry (elephant ) And KuKu the Koala.
See my guitar in the locker?
Have a good one.
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.
Deborah – I feel it’s a really good sign you’re sharing your name, like you’re opening up more. Not concealing.
It’s very, very, difficult to know what to say because I know very little of eating disorders, but I’m sure it’s safe to say that health must come before image. You’re obviously in a caring environment and making progress. Good on you.
And try to let go of that guilt. We can’t change the past and the future is entirely up for grabs!
Very best wishes.
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Thank You Mick, I was wondering if anyone would notice the name thing 🙂 Thank you for your support. I am working on health, image will take some work and re wiring.
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Hope that goes well.