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Well, this year has almost gone by already. This year has been difficult, as everyone says at the end of the year. I don’t normally do that but it has a positive side to things too.

I had cancer, follicular lymphoma, and discovered it when my lymph node swelled up. I did radiation treatment. But I have had in my head “If you only have 6 months left to live what would you do?

I have had thoughts all year about the things I want to do. Things to strive for, things to distract me, things for me to get elbow-deep and obsess.

Music. Singing, Guitaring, spending time with kids as now they are not living with me and I miss them very much so try to call and get together sometimes. It has been one of my issues, as well as my pup passing on April 3, 2022. That has been exceptionally hard. He was my best friend, I still cry over my loss.

I realize I have been using music as a coping strategy, so that is healthy, but I am still engaging in self-destructive behaviours..aka my eating.

I got to the point with the eating disorder that I threw everything out in my fridge and for some reason stopped drinking. My legs were wobbly, I had a friend who saw me on stage and told me I needed more calories. Something my husband has been telling me, but it is always different when you get outside feedback. I wasn’t ready to do anything about it as I am struggling and one of my ways to cope I guess. Also, feelings of fault and guilt have me left with no appetite.

This same friend told me change is coming. I wasn’t sure what the change would be. Would it be a different partner? Would it be a change in how I see things? Would it be a change to my anxiety, or would it be a change in me wanting to take care of myself?

Well, the relationship with my husband is sort of better, I don’t want to change partners, I just want to be in a better place together.

Then something happened. I was over at my husband’s house, I was feeling depressed and tired, but said,

 “Hey if you have something to at for me I will eat.”

He said,

 “ Well no, I am having leftovers.”

 I found this pretty inconsiderate as he wanted me there. But I have given mixed messages “I am not goin to eat at your place anymore.” (eating disorder issues) But then I was disappointed and thought well fuck, you want me to eat but don’t make effort to feed me, as we used to joke around that he would cook for me 3 times a week.

All of a sudden last night, I said Fuck it. I will take care of myself, my body needs food. So I made myself some rice and vegetables. This was the first step towards me having control of myself and taking care of myself on my own and not relying on someone cooking for me cause I don’t care to eat or cook for myself.

I started doing some research on what I needed to survive. Protein, although I think is overrated, I am supposed to get 68 grams of protein. I’d be lucky to get 10 grams in a day. So that was number one and I have incorporated my protein smoothies again.

The next thing I looked into was maybe I was deficient in Vitamin B12, which could be a reason for my current fatigue. Also affects mood and digestion, and without enough, you can get sick. So I bought some B12 vitamins from amazon. 

I went to the dentist and they recommended Omega vitamins. They help with the brain and I think immune system so I bought that too. I got a new protein powder that I am getting today and I hope it is good.

I am vegetarian, pescatarian actually so I will eat fish, but again couldn’t be bothered cooking things for myself

I came up with a menu plan that gives me at least enough protein. Tuna is a great protein, very low in calories and high in protein, I have some of that in my cupboards so I decided to make a toasted tuna sandwich for dinner, and I ate it all, I said I have to take care of my body if I want to be a rock star, can’t have wobbly legs and be able to put the energy out on stage. Also, Omega 3 will help my brain, and maybe it will help clear it.

I binge eat too and then restrict or even take laxatives if I have eaten too much over a 3-day period. Then I have 3 days of near fasting. It’s a vicious circle that leaves me feeling I have no control I also realize when I go to parties, I have replaced my social anxiety of drinking alcohol (it’s been 17 years sober) with eating, so parties with snacks, I stay by the snacks instead of socializing, which when I try to, I don’t get much of a,

“Welcome, we are interested in what you have to talk about,”

No that doesn’t happen, so I guess it goes back to my teenage years of feeling rejected by my circle of friends when my bf broke up with me, I lost everything and became a loner. Food, binging, self-induced vomiting, laxative abuse, self-harm, became my way of coping with loneliness and social anxiety and rejection*.

For some reason I was never diagnosed with anxiety, I was diagnosed only with bipolar. I also wondered if I have a bit of OCD, but that wasn’t part of my diagnosis.

So now I know my eating is affected by social anxiety. It is also affected by other anxiety, like if I can trust someone. Like if I get in shit, or I have done or said something wrong, or I hurt people’s feelings. I am self-injuring by not eating, not drinking, taking laxatives, and attempts at self-induced vomiting- for some reason I can’t anymore.

This is what I deserve right? I am always wrong, I talk too much I say too much, I don’t trust enough, Wait.

Look what I am doing. I play guitar now, I go on stage at open mic, I sing, and I have played guitar on stage with other musicians. I have a caring soul that gets hurt easily. Why should I punish myself, look at all the good things you do, look at the things that make you happy. Use those things to feel better. Use those things to distract from my head noise. Try and focus on the positives. Start daydreaming. Have goals. Be stubborn and do not let this destroy you.

I deserve that. I deserve to take time and make little meals for me. I deserve to eat healthy foods, I deserve to have the right amount of calories and protein. I deserve to take care of me.

I don’t deserve to punish myself for everything. I am not always in the wrong.

I have a consult with the eating disorder hospital in town. I am not sure if they will accept me. I dont self induce vomiting 4 times a day, I dont take laxatives every day (just binge days or constipated days) and I am not 60 pounds, but I do fall a hairline into “Underweight, by BMI” – but I have a lifetime of disordered eating and body dysmorphia.

I don’t want to gain weight. I am afraid of gaining weight. I have just lost 10 pounds. Now I want to stay ‘underweight” So Ya, I want to start taking care of myself but I dont know if I will feel at peace if I gain that weight back

Another interesting fact about * rejection* My therapist and I were talking about life’s biggest rejection is by parents. I was adopted. I had always known I was adopted, did that bring anxiety at a young age, or doubt that maybe my adoptive parents would reject me too? How about the little note I wrote to my adoptive parents at 7 years old?

“Will you still love me if I am fat?”

The nasty side of things is my partner once said when we first met, 

“Just don’t get fat.” 

He apologized for that, but it is in my head. He also likes thin girls, loves my ribs and hip bones sticking out and says I look really good, and I know he thinks I look better for having lost 10 pounds. Yet he also says I am too thin, now.

Regardless of all of that, I am determined to eat better and take care of myself, by myself. NO one can fix this, only my therapist can explore these things with me, and I don’t mind sharing. I have vulnerabilities, will this info hurt me? Will this information allow the other person to play on it or make it worse intentionally, having me fall apart? Have me doubting relationships and their intentions? Can people be so mean? Yes, gas lighting. I have had that too in my current relationship and I have started sticking up for myself and fighting for truths- I am not crazy. I don’t always do those things you tell me I do, I don’t always forget to d something that I am supposed to do. I also have a “friend” who seems to like intimidating me, who seems to like the fact that I am ‘fatter ‘than her and flaunts it and make comments, your hips are bigger than mine, oh those pants would be way too big for me, oh you look 15 pounds heavier than I actually was., My insecurities have been thrown in my face deliberately and I have backed off on that relationship as it had always made me feel anxious in their presence.

I deserve people who will celebrate me. I deserve people who see my soul, I deserve to trust these people. I deserve to be celebrated for all I have done and accomplished. I deserve to be celebrated for my determination and hard work, I deserve to be celebrated cause I have balls. I have the balls to get up on stage and play guitar to one of my originals.

I deserve to celebrate myself! – Did you hear that?

I am me. The only thing I can control. I have been controlling myself the wrong way. If I want real control, it should be to take care of myself and eat better and stop replacing meals with an evening binge of chocolate and popcorn. I deserve a meal.

I deserved to be liked and feel ok, even if I gain weight. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to love myself.

I deserve to take care of myself – I need to – even better, I want to.

~Christie

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: changes eating disorder health mental health self-esteem

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.