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March 28, 2022-What If

What would you do if you were told you had 6 months to live? 

It’s the question I am asking myself after going through several tests due to “my lump”.

Back in January, I noticed I had a lump; I kind of understand it is there to help fight infection. So OK. Infection. I have no symptoms of basically lower body illness like athlete’s foot. Like std, jock itch, etc. This is fine but it was supposed to go away after 3 weeks and now has gotten bigger. I am referring to the lymph nodes around your pelvis called inguinal lymph nodes.

I do some blood work; a few strange things show up but I will focus on ” my lump”.

I have had 3 ultrasounds. the final one was an ultrasound-guided biopsy. The technician asks me if I have lost weight. My sister too. My sister says things don’t sound right. Cancer?

“But you are so healthy.”

I am indeed healthy. Have MS but it seems stable since chemo treatment. Ya, apparently that can cause cancer. Great I will be dead at 52 but I can still walk. Also for fear of being called paranoid I really question putting that covid shot in my body. It too can cause swollen lymph nodes.

But mine is getting bigger. I’m above the safe measurements and now we are looking at cancer. My first ultrasound showed calcification on my ovaries. I had blood work to show ovarian cancer and it was negative. They did an x-ray to see if other lymph nodes were affected. Then I find out 2 more things. One is that I have hypervascularity and am devoid of normal fatty hilum.

Do I have it or not. Do I stay frozen or think about my bucket list. Do I live for the moment? I’m scared as fuck. Would hate to see my peeps suffer from grief. 

I have done too much research. I have tried to find other reasons for all the things they are finding and when you put it all together it becomes very suspicious. It can’t all be coincidental.

I am a worst-case-scenario kind of person. I have in my mind,

“What if I only had 6 months to live.”

I had a biopsy done. If there are cancer cells in my lymph node it means it has metastasized and indicates there is an original cancer cell somewhere else in the body. I hope chemo or radiation can fix whatever I have-if in fact it is cancer.

I don’t know yet. I talk to the dr today at 2 pm. He will probably just comment on the results of tests. My biopsy won’t be ready for a couple of weeks, so I have more time that I am anxious.

What will happen to my bipolar? I suspect if I find out I have cancer, it could send me into mania. I will watch for that. It might just give me the strength and energy to overcome whatever comes my way.

I am stubborn, I am a Taurus. MY mottos are,

“I am woman, hear me roar.”

“Carpe Diem.”

“You are what you believe you are.”

Well, if it is cancer, I believe I am healthy and determined enough to get through this, even if it is really bad news. I can’t really grasp my head around cancer when I feel fine. Maybe there is an explanation.

Got my bucket list to achieve now no matter what the outcome.

Seriously, I need to live for the moment and make my moments count.

See y’all on stage – Imma gonna be a rock star.

Categories: Uncategorized

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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