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It is WAY Late- MArch 16, 2022

I have so much to say..so much to report, this might be longer than my usual 3-page blogs. SOOO much has been going on. I will try backtracking starting from this moment.

I decided to name him Ranger. He has been hiding all day. He is a Fantasy Horned Frog. A hybrid of two species.

An hour ago I decided I would add Cinco to his name. So his name is Ranger -Cinco.

Ranger-Cinco Fantasy Horned Frog.

I added Cinco because it dawned on me that the day I adopt this new pet is the 5 year anniversary of that rock star I keep telling you about. I am so proud of her. She is the musician I look up to the most.

So I think it is cool. I got a fantasy frog named after my idol. My fantasy. See how it all works?

Ranger-Cinco, A Fantasy Horned Frog

I will tell you a bit about Ranger-Cinco. I went to the store and met a friend. I took the bus, then the train to the other side of the city, and then another bus to get to Big Al’s Aquarium. This friend is the one we introduced BDSM. We haven’t hung out in a while. I didn’t quite like her boyfriend at the time and it put me off of the whole scene.

Neil and I have been talking about it a little more. He misses it. I miss the connection. But we had a whole relationship upheaval over exploring what does not work. I spent two years dealing with it, and I am done now. But left a bit (alot) of trust issues, and resentment, and anger. I have had to work on all of that and it has been hard. There are things I discovered about Neil, that I have been able to say, 

“Ok, well when you nag at me all the time it doesn’t make me horny for you.”

I figured out that when I get put down or accused of not doing things or accused of doing the wrong things, I kind of cross my legs you know. Well, some of that is changing. I am starting to build a good amount of trust, and that is the other reason why BDSM went on the wayside. I couldn’t see him as my Dom. Oh and here is a thought, I just thought (this is live) about how everything I do seems controlled or led by Neil..you gotta do this you gotta do that. I will be damned if listen to him when he tells me to go on my knees. So the last couple of times at friends didn’t go so well for us. I couldn’t do it.

See when you have an equal partnership..you meet in the middle. In BDSM one takes the role Of the DOm and the other, me, the submissive. I remember once at a BDSM party a well-known woman to the community approached us and asked what our status was. And I said sub. She looked at me and said, 

“You’re not a sub.”

That still stays with me today. Honestly, I think she is right but that is my problem. I always seek to control a situation regardless of what it is. By being the role of the sub, I let go of my “control” and say,

 “Here, take me I am yours, take control.”

It is an amazing feeling when you connect like that. The other thing that came up about BDSM as I started seeing it as a process. Similar to the process of a tattoo.

Tattoo

-get an idea for a tattoo.

-prepare, shower dress like a rock star.

-the anticipation of the pain

-the grueling hours of tattooing

-the rush, the adrenaline,

SUBSPACE

-Aftercare. -warm blankets, tucked in bed. 

BDSM

-get an idea of a scene

-prepare, shower dress like a porn star (haha I had to)

-the anticipation of the pain

-the grueling minutes of being in pain

-the rush, the adrenaline

SUBSPACE 

You see..tattoo and BDSM are alike FOR ME, maybe not for others, but I watched my first scene when we first got into it and it was amazing and it was then that I saw the resemblance. Funny, I haven’t gotten any new tattoos since we got into BDSM, I have 43 tattoos btw.

Subspace, all I can say is imagine being in a place in your head where you could drift off to sleep while getting tattooed. It’s nothingness. No thoughts, No feelings just a time bubble in the moment. Freedom. Mmm, maybe I am due for something.

I got to get Neil and I to equal partnership. Something we need to get back to.

Something that will need to be worked on by both partners.

I know what makes it hard is I am not organized, I survived 50 years being disorganized. I always end up doing whatever needs to be done, eventually, and sometimes I do procrastinate and then end up late for something, like my assignment due on Monday. It is the hardest assignment I have had to do in this particular course. I have to write a play based on a poem, not gonna spoil it, so If I do well I will post it here.

Cigarette break

Yes

Cigarettes. I almost lasted 4 years not smoking. I wasn’t smoking when I first started my account here. I rocked it, was doing awesome, chewed Nicorette for 4 years, now addicted to gum, I have to have gum in my mouth at all times or I go into stupid facial twitches that are only tamed by; 1-gum or 2- pushing my mouth on the mic.

Now. My God are you ready for this.

Oh maybe you need some history, briefly, I was in a band in the fall we practiced at a record rehearsal studio. It was pretty fun but – too many factors, too many chiefs, I got dumped but when I see my videos of me doing open mic now,  I say,

“Your loss.”

NOW I am singing what I want to sing and what I brought forth to the group when I first applied with my song list. NOW I know my guys. NOW I have some really friggen exciting news and nothing really has happened. I want to write about this the night it was all happening but I was with Neil and we go to bed early. Tonight I am free and determined to finish this and post before I go to bed. It is now 1:52 March 16th. I will be done today lol.

So another bit of backtracking. Neil and I went to our friend’s birthday party, the group party chat was talking about a band or two coming in and then Jam after.

I am shitting myself.

I am going to fucking sing at a musician’s birthday party, with him on stage with the rest of the crew that I do open mics with. The house band; maybe I could call them. Sooo…

I decided, bravely, to start a group chat.  I heard a song at Neils and the first thing I thought of was playing it with these guys so I asked them if they knew Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes. Yes.

WTF

I decided to try another one.

“I Wanna Be Sedated?”

“Yup.”

I go again, I can’t stop, songs keep coming on the radio.

“How about Meds by Placebo?” (No one knows Placebo-shame)

And then they are all excited.

And planning a party

Wait

A party with musicians? A party to jam? A jam for me to sing at? With musicians?

I gotta get video of that.

I am just a bit manic, just a tad. I had a fight with my meds, making me too tired in the morning, I cut back, figure stopping would help me lose weight. So I start getting a little weird in the head and the paranoia started up again. Against Neil. All about trust. I say my mind is way too creative for its good. One drop of anything, one word, one something, and then I get flooded with paranoid ideas. It has been very hard on Neil.

But look at me now baby.

And it gets better.

I am going to give these songs a go with these guys. The problem I don’t think I have a lead guitarist, but maybe I am so good they won’t need one hahaha. Anyways, yes, I am going to do everything I can with them, and at risk of being laughed at I want to ask 2 of them to be in my band. I even have band names. I AM WAAAY over my head, but you know, I am doing it. OOO my god. Guitar, that is another story.

I went to my friend’s place for a party and a couple of guys in a duet played in the kitchen it was really cool, backtracking to before we leave. The battle,

“I want to bring my guitar.”

“You don’t know how to play.”

“But I am learning Won’t Back Down.”

“Ya, they are going to laugh at you.”

“Oh, maybe I won’t bring it.”

What if I do have cancer, what if I only had 6 months to live. You will regret it so much if you don’t bring it. Own it.

“Neil?”

“I AM going to bring my guitar.”

The same dialogue came out when I was trying to decide if I should ask them to play with me.

Oh, hold on I have a few pics to post with this.

So I did it. I opened my guitar bag and strapped up, walked right over to them, and said,

 “Could you play Won’t Back Down with me? (Shyly I might add).

And we did. And it was beautiful. His voice is like angels, he was so calm and smooth, I wasn’t anxious at all, and when I saw he was impressed with my attempts at a C chord…I’m sure I was flushed the whole time but so very calm it was so strange. I want more of that. I will go chasing more of that.

MY VERY happy place-Afterglow

My internet crashed last night. I have lost my flow So I will end now, plus it’s pretty long as it is.

Have a great day, kick yourself in the butt and get chasing dreams or the things you want. 

You are what you believe you are, you are who you say you are, positive or negative.

I say I am a rock star and a great writer. I am believing it. And I am.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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