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Dec. 19th 2019

Things have been so stressful here and I can feel the mania surface again. I also dropped the day time dose too quick.

So I was good yesterday, I followed the directions to take at least half the dose. Neil and I decided we would take an evening to ourselves at our own homes. Generally, this would be weird, but Neil has been by my side since I got sick. There has been added pressure on both of us. We both need our things to do on our own. I really needed a night to sit in my office and write. To not feel guilty about writing as he watches TV by himself.  Just for me to hear the house quiet. Tranquil. Healing. This is what I have needed. With so much tension between Neil and I is well, just not fun to be around. There is so much more to this story but I will get back to meds.

So yesterday I take my meds. I am less chatty, I am a tad quieter. But then my afternoon one…it just wiped me out. I sat to write and I see more squiggles and bla bla bla written over what I wrote. Then. My mind draws a blank.

I am so angry at this. Here I had the perfect evening to create and write and play guitar. And my head goes blank. WTF how is this even fair. Did Karma just bite me in the ass? How is this fair?

I scribble words, I try and put something together. Mmm, maybe I was pressuring myself too much. Maybe it actually wasn’t the meds. For the first time since I have done this, I suddenly felt pressure to create. Not from you, but from within myself.  I wanted freedom and just couldn’t create.

So I didn’t take my day time today, I felt fine. I was chatty, full of ideas, shopping with Neil, which gets me even more chatty. Before you know it I am brushing on some more mania… This is the good kind though. And I let it happen today. I’m ok if I am really chatty with Neil, he laughs about it, comments on me being manic..but wow laughing about it when we fought so hard to get me out of it, a week later and it’s back? And it’s funny? Well maybe to me, but shouldn’t to Neil.

No, I will be on my day time ones, I get my kids back and if I am rambling on like this with them they will know I am not better, and I haven’t really seen them for 2 weeks. I need to do the right thing for them. My kids feel me too much, they know when I am high, and I hate them seeing me cry.

But overall I have been really good and for the most part, the change is ok, was just yesterday I got kicked in the nuts.

I am almost done my Christmas shopping, another thing that triggers me and then I want to do even more shopping and then I pull out the credit card or go to online shopping…sigh I am not that much better after all. I am seeing it.  We went to the dollar store, I didn’t need anything but somehow came out paying almost forty dollars. Just like that. Same with shopping the other day as well. Leave the store with a seventy dollar bill, I overdid my present buying. I always overdo.

Did you hear me say every Christmas I go crazy? Ha.

Ya well, this is just another one.

Today we went and ran some errands together. I took the bus (Oh I could talk about that for a while). We went to several stores, the bank, the grocery store and the Dollar Store. Well, I didn’t do anything at the bank but ended up buying stuff I didn’t need but managed to remember the things I did need. I needed some baking ingredients because I decided I was going to make homemade butter cookies, all decorated in candy glitter. It should be fun.

My bus rant… Since I started taking the higher dose of meds and taking them during the day I have been unable to drive. I decided that I would bus and that I was going to be happy with it. I am so happy with it I don’t even want my car. Then I wouldn’t have to pay gas and insurance and all those pesky maintenance things, like tires, my clutch is going, I have no muffler.. (Oh but I do love my Versa) We need it for camping and we often use it on our weekes together as his car is well, beyond repairing, so I prefer to go in mine.

I have taken the bus a little over a week, maybe It has been two weeks. I bundle up, today was minus twenty-one and felt like minus thirty-one according to the weather forecast. SO ya bit chilly but I have all the right gear. Thanks online shopping and you all know where but I am not sure if I am allowed saying. But ya online helped me out, I have some great hats and neckwarmers and I ordered more neckwarmers, and just ordered gloves. 

 I have a long warm coat, and good boots, and I actually wasn’t that cold. The bus ride to Neils was great. I am loving that I don’t have to focus on the road, I love that I can sit and daydream, I love that I don’t have to wait in rush hour. I don’t have to have a panic attack when I hear sirens, and well at least I’m not covering my ears and scrunching up my face and close my eyes while I am driving..

So yes. Bus is best.

And walking..that is the best thing for me.

“Home Alone” is the poem I managed to write today.

Have a safe weekend my brain needs some rest.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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