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The Brakes Are On

Thursday Friday happy days…..

Um perhaps not. Thursday I did finally see my doctor.  I was pretty anxious about this apt because my family Doctor called and everyone was suggesting hospitalization,  Which I started realizing ya maybe.

A few months back I was doing a pill form chemotherapy for my MS, (yes I have that too) It seemed to set off mania, and I have been dealing with it since then. I am thinking it is because of the anxiety I had about taking this drug. CHEMO!!! ME? Doctors wanted to treat my MS aggressively and it was very active in my brain, seen by MRI’s. I think one of my patterns is, anxiety, hypomania/mania…acute mania than a crash. Hard, but  the darkness is generally short-lived. Then after my crash still a bit of dark mania, and then the darkness subsided. I can get pretty cranky in mixed episodes… Mania is definitely one of the hardest things for me to get control of. Yes, even when I try hard.

My Doctor had upped my meds after my first round of chemo and I didn’t look at the prescription. I thought the doctor upped it to 100mg, she had actually upped it to 150mg.  I had only been taking 50mg. It’s quite complicated because I didn’t see any issues, I thought I was getting on really well. I am not sure I can describe what I have manic because well..this will make it easier….

My fiance gave me this list to take to the doctor. Both my doctors know, and now they know everything. I can’t hide now. I have my fiance nurse dotting on me, very sweetly I may add, I have my kids that know I am having a hard time.

This is the list…

1. can’t stop talking … probably say more than you intend e.g. telling Nat etc. all about your bipolar

2. can’t sit down, can’t relax

3. hyper-focused on one thing to detriment of all else

4. mania as can’t even focus on your “calming influence” (writing or playing guitar)

5. can’t sleep and would happily pull an all-nighter

6. Promiscuous 

7. brain won’t stop and often jumps to very negative conclusions even though there is nothing there

8. spending spree after spending spree to a point where no money left for groceries

9. forgetting totally to eat

10.forgets to brush her teeth

11.”

“I did get up to 13 reasons the other night.” He said.

If anyone knows what it feels like in hypomania, even to some extent the manias can be beautiful. It’s a rush of confidence, its the rush of creativity, it’s the no need for food. Why would I want to stop that, I am enjoying my high…….for a long long time.

Ok and then maybe I get in trouble financially because everything I see I suddenly need. Two trips out of the house to shop every day, coming home carrying bags in the house on a regular basis. Getting packages from Amazon delivered to my door…and I am not done yet, but I am supposed to be.  I am now housebound, generally always in my pyjamas likely haven’t bothered showering.

I am forgetful, disorganized, I lose things constantly and I forget to call my parents.

We start exploring some things on a sexual basis, try new stuff out..add people, that kind of stuff. And we decided we wouldn’t go that route. 

And then it happened, I crashed, I already wrote about that, one of my posts. But short version, I fell into a very dark hole. Very.

One of my doctors always tells me “the higher you go, the harder you will fall.”

Bloody hell. He is always right.

See my brain tries to fight things, constantly trying to justify my spending, hiding some things that I have bought, dipping into other accounts, and getting myself in pretty bad trouble. When I am manic  I see is the fun and I can’t stand back and see the disaster. I don’t see things the same as my fiance (I don’t know how he is still with me but kudos for him. He has been nothing but always supportive even when I do things to tick him off.)

So I am housebound now to try and de-stimulate me. I am not allowed driving because of the meds. So I bus it. Then I start thinking about selling my car, I get a few ideas, and my doctor told me not to make any decisions right now.

I still went out today, had to take my daughter across town for one of her apt. We bused together and we took the train. I was a lot nervous about the train but my daughter did a splendid job taking care of me. No stimulation?  Ha. my god, but I had to do what I had to do, no ways around it. If I had been in the hospital I would have gotten a pass to take her. My daughter will not miss an apt because of me.

After five days of these meds at his dose, I think I might be coming down a bit. I am doing what the doctor wants me to do.  I need to be stable for a while. But it’s not over, this will happen again.

Now, can’t drive, can’t go to karaoke. No, and I  have to take 250 mg when a week ago I was only taking 50mg 

I’m a mania addict.

I have an illness.

But I am working so hard. I put up a fight sometimes without realizing it… But I always end up taking care of myself eventually because that is really important. I took this really good course at a local college. Was about stress, and wellness. I learned a lot and I need to refill my body with good things. And start being healthy again. And yes, I am familiar with DBT

I am blessed to have the support of family and friends, and I have great doctors.

I am fortunate. I hope others have that too.

And I am going to keep writing no matter where I am on the spectrum.

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ditdot71

Welcome to my blog. My Non de Plume is Christine W Forgues. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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