Interesting 13 is one of my lucky numbers, One of my favorite numbers.

Hello once again, it has been ions since I have taken the time to write, pass on important stuff, hopefully resonate with someone. GIve courage to someone. Or just to enjoy my writing lol.

HI . My name is Deborah. I have been going under a nickname that was given to me by my ex. It became my social name. I have almost converted everyone, relatively easily.

So , I got my first 1 hour gig, as a feature artist at an open mic,  It was then that I decided my career was going to be me. Not some other image someone has of me…Not if it’s Dotty.

I have another pen name as well. I am not sure what I should do, and I will decide Pen Name (Christine )  Or just my Deborah. Its a strong name . Means The Bee in hebrew, Some other way it means warrior.

So..Music, stage, invited to parties and playing a set for my friends, other musicians, and get invited back up. Shmoozing with the big guns.

But so much else is going on in my life.. I will make the negative brief,  2 cars down, city bylaw after me to cut my lawn when is 44 degrees outside and my 91 year old dad is in the hospital.. They gave me a week extension.

I started thinking, 

“Universe, what the heck are you doing to me and WHY?”

I sat for a long time with this not knowing if I wanted to believe it or not.

I have been driving around, racing around, seeing friends, avoiding my head space, that in time will make things better. Literally the only way I would be stopped if both cars I am using break down and I have no money.

ACK , I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t see my bestie as he is out of town, I bussed like crazy when my dad was in hospital. 6 buses to do the running around I had to do

Then it all made sense.

I am forced to face my fears, my demons, how I see my reflection, who am I anymore?

Who Am i.?

I am kind of a rocker hippie id like to think. At 50 I picked up guitar.  At 52 , I ended , or forced an ending to our 10 year relationship. Toxic , the guy I was supposed to marry. There is a book coming someday, but I have to start some new material. I may change my whole profile and picture, even what my blogg is about ? What’s it about?

Most everything , most everyone, will catch a thought or two and apply it to yourself.

What would you do if you fell in love with a guy, while being abused by your partner.

Manipulation, gas lighting, playing god almighty he is the best.., telling lies to get sympathy or sex.  Non consensual, I don’t need to include details. 

I wanted male friends because I knew my ex wouldn’t try to take over a guy friendship, most of my girl friends from that era sided with him. Because of his lies and sad sack ness. 

I didn’t want sex, I was kind of traumatized, and when I realized things and put pieces together  and realized when I beat up my guy in bed when he tried to cuddle me in the night? Signs of?

Moving on from that, and eventually that’s what I did. I am on this whole new platform, its like I am figuring out what is making me tick. FOr instance,

You make plans with someone and they cancel while you avoid making plans elsewhere.

Really irked me. And it hurt me. It’s like I am on the cancellation list, like our odd relationship. Friendship really at this point. 

But then I started thinking about why, and its 

I stayed home all weekend because I was seeing my bestie on monday, or whatever day.

That is my problem, one of them, in 2 parts. 

Because our relationship without a label isn’t really consistent.

I asked myself what I needed to do.

I needed time to myself, more attempts at self isolating. 

Yesterday morning I woke at 2 am bawling and hating life the way i ….perceived it to be. A celestial force protecting me, guiding me. I think.

This morning was so much different. I stretched alot. I took my shower before making coffee, I got on with my day.

This is what happened. I woke at 3:40 AM,  maybe 2:40.. Am . Time is so bizarre during that time. But witching hour….guidance…messages.

I have to stop expecting people to always fulfill what I need. Or thought I needed.  I am missing out on the right now. 

I started going through my photos and then made a movie slide show of things to remind me, yes I do have friends,  I saw how happy everyone was /is,  I’m down on bestie because i want all the answers.  I don’t expect other friends to be there for me, not like a partner…but no, it seems I am trying to force my bestie in that role. So I have to remind myself.

And I have learned a lot about myself.  that I am already practicing.

Grounding is so important to me. I hope my bestie and I go  camping this summer.

Its going up to 45 degrees here in Canada tomorrow.

I think I have hit my wall that maybe I should lie down, I wont post right away, I have to edit, but right now it is 14:49  And I have been Awake since 03:00 ..almost 12 hours eh…well I am eating for the first time today. My sweet treat is  slices of banana and milk and suuuugar, sorry body, and 2 oreos in bowl to dip and smash…sorry again body. I am working on clean basic food. Slowly eliminating sugar. but will get through it.

Coming up with work out routines, and a place to do yoga outside, I just need a mat. I am under considerable financial stress , but will get though it, I always do, and my kids, of course thank fully see it more like I do.

Cheers, take care of your nears and I will try hard to update my look.

 In 24 hours, my whole world changed. I cried in sadness and fear, and in the morning I realised and found calm in letting my tears flow. I was getting memes that made me cry , in a happy way.

Release

K now, if i don’t sleep I have to eat or play guitar.

Goodnight. Lol..15:39

A day late..

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: blog calm introspective life love magic mental health strength TheUniverse update writing

Feistyright?

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for

fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1

I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my
coping strategies. Life is just too

boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing

but yet sometimes a curse.

I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.