April 23 2021.
My blog for today.
So much has gone on over the last while. Well, my mental health is a bit better, I am less paranoid about relationship stuff between Neil and I and even my other friends. I have a few friends, maybe lots but I can’t shake “they are after something or setting me up for something, or laughing at me.
So see I have been obsessing about my hair. When I am manic, or on my way I get fixated on things, like tattoos, reptiles, pets, desire for 3 dogs..
So my hair, right? I tried to go purple, it didn’t work, tried blue, didn’t like it and didn’t really work, oh this is so lame as I write it. So I decided to strip my hair of black dye (a great product called OOPS, to remove old hair dye, and it work. But I have been buying my hair dye on amazon and I ordered the wrong one, but ended up dying my hair with it. I bought more colours as I try really hard to get what I think I want. Right now my hair is a coopery burgundy. I worry that everyone else is dying red, which is why I want purple, but I got a lot of positive feedback, except from the person who means the most. Neil likes black hair. I have been dying my hair black for 8 years, both because I know Duncan likes it, and I do too, makes for a great outfit when I want to be a rock star or dressed in leathers. Certainly, I can still do that without having black hair.
NOw this may seem lame, or stupid when there is so much shit goin on around the world right now, but I have learned my fixations are likely due to me not being able to handle certain things and it is easier to obsess about one thing rather than be thinking negative, or self-conscious or mistrust
Mentally how am I doing? I am tired of lockdown, as everyone is, but we have another 4 weeks as we weren’t doing well. They talk about essential services which leave bars and karaoke and open mic shut down.
I just started doing open mic a couple of months ago. I have talked a lot about my singing but it is an adrenaline rush, it is pride that I can get up there and take risks.
Singing helps burn off my energy, especially with songs like Janis Joplin Take A Piece of my heart. That is a hard song, not really suited to my voice but I learned that if you sing loud and proud well people like that. I have a friend who made a karaoke FB page and my singing is getting better and stronger. Another song I like to sing is Creep by Radiohead, list goes on, but I love the challenge of singing songs that maybe I am not strong with and I keep practicing and memorizing songs so I can do better at the bars.
I relate a lot of my songs, or should I say most. My strongest songs are ones I can relate to. That also helps with my paranoia and gives me an outlet to get it off my chest. FOr example, Basket Case by Green Day, I relate it to me “I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it” And this one Creep, by Radiohead, “I don’t care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I want a perfect body, I want you to notice when I am not around” Feeling like I need to have control in a relationship, feeling of eating disorder, and feelings that maybe Neil doesn’t miss me when I am not around.
I don’t know how to react when he wants to do things on his own, like meeting up with friends to ride with them, and I can’t go because they are too fast , then I feel the green eyed monster coming out and I have all sorts of paranoid thinking. See I thought this bike season would be better as I decided when he does that I will go to bars and see my friends play at bars. As I want to support them, but now I have nothing to distract me, well wait, yes, singing at home, maybe put a poem together about how I feel, when I feel so lost. I don’t want to be one of those women who give their man a hard time. even his phone going off sends my brain into thinking stuff. I need to let go a bit and let him be.
Lucky for him he has all the time to do whatever he wants on my weeks I have kids. But now, well my Daughter has started coming over a couple of times a week makes it ok for her which I am grateful for, perhaps me not being as manic. But when I do have kids, I really wasn’t able to go out, now I know I have to, regularly. I also need my space from Neil, as It’s either kids or him and I am not doing things for myself, other than lately.
I started goin to open mic with Neil, but he prefers Karaoke night over open mic as no one there that we know, so I just sit by myself. I am happy to do that, my social skills have become even more awkward now with masks and physical distancing. I tend to read lips, so it’s hard to understand people. I still after 8 years have a hard time understanding Neil who is from England, I consider his accent thick but I think it is just the way he talks, anyways we fight about me not listening or not hearing or not remembering. It is frustrating to him as to me.
Question. Since covid have you all become hermits? IS it ok that I really don’t feel like being around people? I prefer chats on messenger, tried to participate with other people before last last lockdown. But what’s the point if it is just superficial on my side, but no one I could confide in other than my therapist, and I need that right now as I try and work things out. I am trying. Tried to lower my dose of meds because I felt so tired, but now I am splitting up the dose and taking a bit during the day. I have tried goin lower dose but paranoia hits, it is so stupid. Calling my psychiatrist Monday…I swear this time, and I speak with my therapist next Friday. I need these apts I am not clear enough.
But I am doing ok.
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.