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Holding It Together I Think

Friday, March 20th, 2020

Wow, I don’t know if I will be able to NOT write about the Covid-19. It’s the only thing I see on Facebook now. I try hard to post non-Covid-19 memes and chit chat about it. It has affected almost all the world in one way or another. The places that don’t get it, will also not get people travelling there. SO no vacations, no sight-seeing tourists, no bonus money for the economy.

The worst part about it is people are bringing it over because of travel. Most of this flu is brought to places travelled. It has gone around the world without people realizing they are infected. Spreading it like wildfire. Speaking of which, which is worse? An Australian wild bush-fire killing wildlife, or a disease that is spreading around the world, killing people but not wildlife.

I am sure someone in the world said,

“Nothing could be worse than……”

…A fire taking over the large radius of Australia.

What could be worse? What could be worse than an illness killing people? I suppose another illness on top of this one. China already has cases now of another flu, back to back.

What is goin on in the world?

You know what’s good though?

There has been a significant clearing of pollution in the sky. I have seen maps of China, Italy, I have heard the water is clearing in Venice with dolphins coming into their usually crowed canals with boats. And swans I just read.

Incredible. What are we going to learn about this? We can significantly reduce air pollution by closing down cities, closing down stores, using less gas in our cars, fewer cars on the road, less travelling.  What does this mean for us?

In a heartbeat, the world could shut down. I bet you for a week, it would make a difference, a month, even more.  If we consume less we use less, we create less waste.

But that just can’t happen. The economy would crash. But maybe that’s not a bad thing.

Prices in Canada have skyrocketed in the house market. We have been saying this for a while. We have been saying “When will this madness be over?  When will houses stop increasing prices of like fifty percent.?”

“When will this all be over. Prices in Ottawa, Toronto, British Columbia, probably so many places, so many provinces, I wonder what the rest of the world is doing? Is the market all over the world as stupid as it is here?

Well, I know prices on houses are expensive in England. I have been there. I have seen the houses, Neil has told me the prices. Unbelievable. I wonder how their salaries compare to our minimum wage in Canada?

I have my kids for another two weeks. Bruce was in the states and came home the day before the discussion of shutting down travel. He is one of the ones that had to self-isolate. Fourteen days. Damn, I wish he would have listened to me and not have gone. On top of it, he was sick with a cold. That had been passed on to my son who ended up giving it to me despite being really careful. Gavin is very cautious around me, Rebecca less.

Rebecca decided she needed to see her friends. I told her she could walk to the transit and meet up with her friend as long as she kept her distance. Well, she ended up taking off, assuring me that this family was a ‘safe’ family.

The big announcement of ‘stay home’ saves lives came into play as the rates jumped another five. That is when we put an end to her madness. I honestly think it was me saying to her;

“Maybe you should just stay with your friends and self-isolate there.”

The next thing I know, she was making plans for her return to home, which ended up being a drive (thankfully not the bus) from the dad of her friend. Well glad something kicked in.

My possibility is halved because Gavin just doesn’t go anywhere. I might catch a cold from him but I don’t think I have a chance to catch this bug from him. Not from him. I

could get it from Rebecca though. I could get it from Neil, I could have even gotten it from Bruce though it was very brief and we kept ‘social distance’. And I cleaned everything, ie Rebeccas X-Box and package with a vape. I disinfected it all with bleach. A very light amount on paper towel.

The toilet paper shortage is still on. Funny, my ex-husband is giving me a package of toilet paper. That should last me the rest of this stupid thing. People hoarding toilet paper like it’s the gastro flu. Dumb asses. 

How are we doing?

Should I go back to bed? 

Well, Rebecca is goin to struggle with no contact with friends. Though it might be good for her to learn to enjoy time on her own. Gavin is doing the same thing though he now has some anxiety over the pandemic. Worries about me. Worries for the world.

Neil is lonely as fuck. And I miss him very much.

For me, It is triggering a lot of stress and anxiety. I am obsessed with reading everything I can. It’s my constant nagging that this is all a bunch of lies, that it really isn’t as bad as any of the other flu we have had, incurred from travellers. Like MERS, like SARS. Everything causes hospitalization, everything causes death.

I have never seen an illness shut down a whole planet. It seems much more serious in that way. Maybe it is just the course of life. Maybe the universe is trying to reduce population. Some people carry the virus, without even having side effects. Isn’t that like any virus? What if it was meant to be? What if we didn’t treat it, what if we couldn’t, what if this is a ‘ natural’ thinning of population.

What if this changes the world?

What if this permanently helps the atmosphere, the air we breathe, the cause for cancer is removed? No? Where were all the cases of cancer? When did it start? Was it just one more way to thin the population?

What if we stopped consumerism? What if the world was free to live in? When did consumerism, paid consumerism begin? Can you include when they used to pawn off their goods, like trade belongings? Oh, the many questions I have, the many conspiracy

theories there are, science versus religion. Oh dear, don’t get me started on religion, this isn’t a political book hah.

So this is what this CORVID-19 is doing to me. I have constant chatter about something that provokes anxiety. What if it triggers my mania? What if I gain more weight ?????

Figured out why I have put on weight. I stopped walking. I did start eating a bit more. But it’s mainly the walking I believe. I was walking somewhere every day. Either to Walmart, or the drug store. Even bus rides burn more calories then I am doing right now.

I am doing fuck all.

Ohhhh, but shopping. Heehee. So our malls are closed, our stores and restaurants are closed. But one place that has everything is open.

Yay, Yay, Amazon. Is it wrong of me to still order?

Well, I decided I finally need to fix my kitchen. I had been scrolling through Facebook when I saw an ad for an over the sink dish rack. OMG. I need that!

Have I mentioned I am an impulsive buyer, a huge consumer, very materialistic as in I neeed to buy shit? And have lots of it? Well. Ya. Unfortunately, that’s me. When I am manic it is worse. Very impulsive. Am I manic now? No. But I am driven by anxiety.

What’s the best cure?

Retail therapy haha.

So. I look on Amazon for an over the counter sink dish tray. Ohhh, and they have many. I spent an hour or more going through them, measuring everything, back and forth to the kitchen. The funny thing is the one I decided on was the same as in the ad I got on Facebook

So it arrives. I have been waiting for it for two days. Three really. I realized it gave me a focus. Something else my mind could think of other than the virus. I was going to do what I really like doing. Shopping ha. But organizing. When I have little containers, or baskets, tubs, whatever it might be, I love to organize. And now it is my kitchens turn to be organized.

It really is amazing, even Gavin commented on it twice. It makes a world of difference.

I bought the over the counter sink dish tray. I also bought a large spice rack/ three levels rack. That was for my counter in the dining room on the other side of the kitchen that Neil put in shortly after I moved in here. Damn that counter was so cluttered too. Between the kitchen and the dining room counter, I was a mess. When this whole virus thing became real, I felt like I needed to organize to help me cope. It made it very clean. It gave me more counter space.

I now don’t have the same potential to swipe the whole counter onto the floor in a rage. That’s how bad it made me feel. I was going slightly nuts about it. Everywhere I turned was clutter. Even the big can of coffee on the counter was cluttered, seeing as I have a shelf for my fancy coffee containers.

You have no idea how much I love my purchases. It has given me peace of mind. It’s quiet up there. At least surrounding my space. I have no peace of mind with this virus.

Neil and I? Well, that too has been hard. Neil is still working, therefore at risk of catching something, and I at risk of him giving me something as my immune system has been suppressed due to the chemo I had for my MS. We have had limited contact. We shared a hug after three days, he kissed me on top of the head. We have had a coffee and a tea together and that has been all.

Today we are goin for a walk. I hope a long fast walk, I need it. I don’t want to stroll. I want to have a goal. Maybe I will get him to walk to the drug store with me. Let him see the roads I have to travel, the time it takes compared to driving. Maybe he will be even more impressed with me.

But ya I miss him. Sadly I don’t miss the sex because I have no sex drive. I miss the sex drive which was anything better than how I feel right now. Neil Is lonely. He doesn’t even have his kids at home. So just Neil and his cats, and his pot of rice. Lol.

When will this all be over? Will it ever end? Or will we just keep on infecting ourselves?

What about our wedding?  I hope it is all clear by August.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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