I don’t even know where to start, last night I felt I had the thoughts that I should have written down. Mmm MAybe I did. Lets see what I wrote.

Well. Its a worthy blub and not finished yet. I write more poems than songs so it is new for me….but this is what came out of me last night before I fell asleep,

“He told me to manifest. Manifest so hard you can feel it and believe it.” I looked right into his eyes. He was looking at my aura. I felt his eyes under my skin.

“Only if he knew. But maybe he does. Maybe I should make a sweet move but maybe she’s not ready yet. Have to go through a few pages and then his book too. I know the answers are there. but maybe no one will say. Maybe I just know. though I’m not ready yet. There’s too much to lose. I will find a way. I will find a way. The constellations said it all. And you saw it too. And you knew you were in the right spot too. I’m here I’m here. I will never go. I will never go.” (foundation of a new song)

Well, I guess that is an icebreaker. That was what was in my head, actually for several days. Since Wednesday. We are outside at a friend’s place writing music. The other guy went inside.

He looked at me; lost in my eyes it seemed.

So many things I can think of, what he is asking me to manifest? Does he not realize I have done that for months and months, maybe a year.  I was not sure what I was manifesting cause I knew the regular relationship status wouldn’t work for us. Sex makes things complicated but what about a nice back rub?

I tell you what he does to me. I can’t focus on what he is trying to teach me. At this moment I have my Facebook page up in case he messages me. There is a great song I am Just learning. 

“All of Me “ – John Legend, 

“ How many times do I have to tell you

Even when you’re crying your’re beautiful too

The words is beating you down

I’m around through every mood

You’re my downfall, your’s my muse

My worst distraction, my rhythm and blue

I can’t stop singing,m it’s ringing

In my head for you.”

I decided to learn it on my guitar. My friend said it was a hard one. I am making it harder by learning to pick the song.  All of what I do is music, I am recording, I am memorizing, I am trying to learn new chords, I am writing music, I am goin on stage, it is all goin too fast.

Who is this guy? I think somewhere in my posts I refer to a person named Gavin. I may change his name. But he is famous so can’t do anything else.

I have written a few songs about him. He stirs up lyrics and songs in me. I have a good imagination and have been living like this for a while. In my mind he is my twin flame. He is my polar opposite  With our astrological signs. I got a tattoo of his constellation sign and a symbol for Twin Flame. That was funny, ya a bit manic, I decided on the twin flame symbol, and I yelled over to my tattooist, 

“Hey Darin, can you add this, add this as my delusional tattoo,” and we laughed. I have known him at least 15 years.

So ya, my bipolar has been acting up. Started a few months ago, I had been worried about my friend and spending increasing amounts of time with him when he was in the hospital. It just brought us closer. I was one of the only people who went. 

He used to point out our synchronicities, now I see them all the time. I hope some day I can reach him telepathically. I am sure, absolutely sure he knows what is in my head. He also knows when I am having a hard time. Right now he is.

We have a quirky relationship, I don’t know what to call it. We have been video chatting almost everyday for over a year except weekends, we are both busy and have more traffic around.   The first thing I do Monday morning is set my alarm for 4 am. Today I was up early, but didn’t get a chance to talk to him yet, and as usual, I spammed him, one was a GIF of two aliens hugging (no lovely dovely stuff here – well I got it, He would never admit to it.

I am in a new sort of relationship with a guy, who is 18 years older than me. He knows about Gavin. He knows I love him. He knows I am not having sex, nor is there a risk of us dating.

He has many of the signs of being interested, he loves his friends “I love you bud” but when we go out and there are other people he always sits beside me, and is close. If he was to read this I think it just bugs him. He seemed very surprised that I could do the tattoo about him. (I think he was creeped out 😉 oh boy.    

HOWEVER, 

I bought him a gift for his birthday, I gave it to him when another friend drove us to pick him up. I sat down, and we shared a joint. Every single time our fingers touch. Every single time. I get hugs too but that is all for physical contact. He is close to me. In his mind too. I got up and went to my purse, I carried a bag to him. It was a leftover arts and crafts bag with a heart coloured red, I say,

“Don’t mind the bag, it was the kids’.”

 Right the gift. Well, it had to do with his horoscope and the presence of horoscope constellations. He loved it and was really touched by it. The story continues on to goin to our friends to write songs,  We left a room he was showing us and he brushed my arm and pointed at the wall. It was a calendar-type photo of constellations.  That is number two. I said, my tattoo is number three and later that day I met up with a friend, I showed her my tattoo and she lifted her shirt and on her tummy, she had star constellations  -that were four signs of the universe. We were right where we belonged.. but what does that mean? I should have kissed him,

So this MANIFEST!!  He tells me I must manifest so hard I believe it to be true. My dear,  I do most nights.  See I don’t know what he told me to manifest about. It could be, “You wanna do a duet?” I would love to be on stage with him and this writing song group is fun, I am learning. Part of me wonders if it is an excuse to have me around. He likes my voice though. I am not experienced like the others.

My energy is still lit from wednesday. Everyone else was inside.

I think we could have accidentally kissed that day.

We all talked a while ago about not being in a relationship was touch. I almost choked on my spit. Do you know how badly I want to touch this guy? More than a hug, but I don’t mean sexually. I believe I am a healer. With my hands and my thoughts. Not saying it always works I am just learning.  A massage. I would love to give him a massage.

My thoughts can be a bit racy but there are bits and pieces of him that I have wanted to touch kiss him.  His neck, him coming out of the hospital for a smoke with his chest-baring naked under the gown. His hands, how badly I want to feel his hand around mine. Would he still talk to me if he knew I had these thoughts? I can not help it. 

Sure, I could block it, but why? I am in a beautiful place in my head.

Tantric sex. I want to have tantric sex with him. No penetration. I believe he is my twin flame. And even if we aren’t there is a magnetic field around us when we are together.

I want more.

Our fingertips touch for a reason. Every time.                             3 pages lol – 4 after edits lol

My apologies for the chaos of thoughts.

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: bipolar guitar love manifest musician song twin flame

Feistyright?

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for

fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1

I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my
coping strategies. Life is just too

boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing

but yet sometimes a curse.

I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.