My Life Has Significantly Changed. October 25th, 2022
I do have a lot of things to post, I keep starting and then have to stop because of one thing or another. I don’t have enough time in my day they say, but I can’t /don’t /won’t moderate things.
I have many posts talking about music, being on stage, open mics, and I don’t even know if you know I have picked up the guitar back in January and started a video diary on Utube. I have gone to open mics in the span of 9-10 months. My musician friends are super impressed with my continuous growth. That feels good. In fact, I have been adopted by several musicians.
Relationship-wise, my husband and I have been struggling for several reasons, the past, my paranoia, my sick brain, “Go to the dr, Talk to your Doctor, Take your meds, You are manic.” gaslighting sort of stuff ( in my opinion – but I am crazy right?), making me doubt my sanity until I realized. I am not crazy. Meds don’t help this.
Meds don’t help the anxiety that comes from mistrust. Medications aren’t going to make me trust anyone any more than I dont. Lol. Medication is not goin to make me feel secure in my relationship. My value in this relationship is questionable.
My value to my musician friends is clear.
A while back I made the decision to seek friendships with male musicians. I have some weird issues with girlfriends, usually trust, or being able to see their true colours. I am stand-offishy with that crowd. I am 100% real with my musician friends. I trust them. They aren’t laughing at me or wishing me failure. They aren’t telling me that I am fatter than them and prance around with their shirt lifted to show how great her pants look on her with my husband there when she and I know he loves to see a bare midriff. Trust.. I don’t know what their intentions are, but to me, they don’t feel positive.
Me hanging out with guys, they help me do things, they teach me guitar, or help me set up music stuff. I go to their shows. No different than my husband has done with his female friends for the past ten years, concerts, dinner out, gets drives, strolls around downtown snapping pics of their amazing time together. Ya. I saw that. It was then that I decided I too was going to open up to it and say this is what I am doing.
I think I am a bit traditional. None of my other partners went on dates with the opposite sex. My parents sure as hell didn’t. And I never did either until recently.
I have tried to experiment with being more ‘open ‘ in my relationship but it didn’t work out and left a scar.
Before he dropped me off at home this morning he says,
“You have three boyfriends, and I can’t have one spare girlfriend?”
“You are the one who is referring to them as boyfriends, they are no different from your female friendships and what you do with them. You have had two spare girlfriends (plantonic) ever since we were together.
Relationships that his ex-wives didn’t want him to have. Apparently, that is controlling behaviour.
He says he was joking but I have this theory that when people joke like that they often have those feelings hidden, I suspect Neil was feeling a bit insecure so I wrote him a letter and shared it with him, explain, no no one is replacing you, I dont want anything other than friendships, and I certainly don’t want sex from them. I am a bit traditional, or maybe loyal to even think about it.
I have connected quite closely to one of my male friendships. He is my primary mentor. His friend is my second mentor and helper. I trust him and feel comfortable with them. MY third???
Ok, so here is a huge change in life and I will give you some background. We decided to renovate my basement so that I could rent it out (money is a bit tight for me, especially since interest rates on mortgages doubled at the time of renewal.
I had enough money to cover almost ten grand of work that has already been done down there. A lot has been done, but now I am out of cash and because it took me so long to pay it back and stick to my deal with Neil , he isn’t too interested in funding and having me pay him back. So I thought maybe I would go through my mortgage but that wasn’t recommended. Anyways we start talking, he started talking,
“You have to rent a room, you have no choice, you are broke and we have to finish the renos.”
“That wasn’t part of the deal.”
Long story, I do have the means to pay for the remaining renos now. So I decided I did not need to rent. This is when all the universal signs for change came into play.
I was goin to rent two rooms for one person, another musician, and asked the ones I really wanted to live with if I had to share my living space. Once extra funds came in (not really extra, just increase the debt I have on my visa) and I said ok, I am going to make the spare bedroom a jam room for me, wait till you see it.
I sit down in my nearly finished jam room and I get a message on Facebook. Get this, one of my friends asked if I still had a room to rent because he knows someone.
I am shocked, I am nervous. I sort of know the guy, I spammed messaged with him a while back, maybe a year trying to get him in a band with me, but that didn’t work.
He wants to rent from me??
“Oh, ok, I kind of decided I wouldn’t rent but let’s get together with him to discuss.”
My friend came on Saturday (that just passed) At noon, as decided and he asked me the day before if he could bring his stuff to my place and get settled in right away. I am like, um ok.
“Let’s just meet and go from there.”
Well, it went well and now I have a male musician roommate.
It is strange. I had a long chat with Neil last night, telling him if he is feeling insecure, and said, you dont have to tell me, I have no intentions of ever getting into a dating relationship with anyone, not even if we broke up.
The tables have turned a bit. Instead of my strained uttering of ‘her’ name, he is doing the same with my “boyfriends”, when he says their names, kind of strained or exaggerated. Instead of me feeling insecure about the relationship, he might have some of that. This isn’t tit for tat. This is me, trying to find my place. Discovering my own friends, feeling valued, and being able to trust. Yes, these are good boyfriends I have. And I will go out with them on dates, as he has shown that is ok in our relationship. I am going by example. And my life has changed significantly because of these ‘boyfriends’ 0h, and I have no intentions of anything sexual. One of my friends even told me he was asexual and I said “Perfect” That isn’t what I want. I want emotional connections with people I trust and who value me as a friend, and love me like musicians love their friends, because there is a strong connection that forms as a musician, playing or coaching or jamming with. It’s a different connection it is a connection that fires up your soul. It becomes love.
Open Mic Night
Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.