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June 2022 – Freedom?

I am not sure if writing this will indicate freedom. Freedom comes in many forms. One of my favorite forms of freedom is about myself, and myself giving me freedom, not externally all the time. I am not perfect, I have no intentions of being perfect, in fact, I celebrate that “freedom” from perfectionism and post videos of myself on my Youtube channel. I post myself doing practices for open mic, I like to show I know the lyrics, but sometimes mess up and that is ok. That is me. but I am proud of exactly where I am.  Neil calls me perfectly imperfect. I like it. Some examples, 

I pack everything we could ever need camping and am always well equipped, except I always forget one thing and it usually has to do with food or cooking.

I make a nice dinner for Neil, and forget to cook the peas.

I clean his house but forget to put stuff away that I have moved for cleaning, like the bathroom mat. Or I forgot to put my cleaning supplies away, or I missed a whole room lol.

My freedom is about not having to be perfect so I wear that with Pride.

I have a YouTube channel with videos of me earning guitar, with the intention of being able to perform at open mics. Maybe when I am really good I can get a gig, or maybe I will be downtown with my guitar and amp and mic accepting tips. Or I will be sitting around at a campfire, or playing a few tunes for people to sing along with. My videos are far from perfect. I don’t try and strive for that, I can’t even play my original without mistakes, or not getting the chord perfect, my own song if you can imagine. NO, I am not perfect and that is ok with me.

I think one of the things I try and do is help other people, and this is what I think I want to focus on now.

Oh, wait more about freedom. Couples can have freedoms. I try really hard to give Neil freedom but I don’t usually like it, or I give him a hard time sometimes over it. He gives me freedom but then throws it in my face.

For example, I go to open mic and karaoke. Neil likes the group of people that go to karaoke, he likes chatting with them. He didn’t enjoy going to my open mic cause I would always be so stressed out with anxiety about performing, Neil says it affects him so much it makes him grumpy. SO I say fine, I will do open mics on my own. I go to 2 open mics on my own now. Wednesdays and Thursdays. SO we argue about “look at the freedom I give you vs you have no time for me you are always going out on your own.

So there are freedoms that come with a price tag. There may end up being negative consequences. So do you really have freedom?

The VERY biggest thing (that is not proper English) that prevents me from having full feelings of enjoying freedom is my paranoia about people. When I think I have my freedom I always worry it becomes the “You have no time for me.” Maybe it ends up with an affair. SO do I risk him feeling so neglected that he justifies an affair and has blaming power. That is what I have in my head. That is what prevents me from really enjoying freedom.

IN fact, I have HUGE amounts of paranoia when it comes to people, I see it more and more lately, and ya I am medicated, perhaps not enough, and can get into that later. I reckon this will be 5 pages. I most often write 3 pages by the time I have implied my brain of news. I have written a couple of 5 pages, I am still occasionally writing with intentions of posting but I spend so much time at Neils and I don’t have my word press info on my laptop that I leave at Neil’s.

That brings me to Freedom of privacy. My ex-boyfriend of three years insisted on knowing all my passwords and often would take my computer and figure out what I have been doing on it. He actually locked me out of my IPAD tablet for trying to get in using a bunch of my passwords. It was the one thing he didn’t know, but I know that in time he would. I never had anything, particularly needing to be private. Except for my writing. Which I found out got hacked into. I thought I could hide my writing in the yahoo notepad. Nope, nothing I could do was private.

NOw I have entered a new relationship (9 years now) where I was happy to give out all my passwords. I didn’t have) anything to hide. But he would regularly go on my main computer and “Doing updates” meanwhile my Facebook tab is open to messages – my email is open my google doc is open. Suddenly I realized I didn’t want Neil to have access, I want privacy. Now I Have my old laptop at his place where he will have 24/7 access to my computer.

That bothered me too. He set it up with a password and logged into all my stuff. He says he doesn’t listen to my phone conversations or read my things, yet he has commented several times and even told me what my messages were. I take offense to that. Especially because I used to take my phone to his house- BLoody hell He could probably hear every word-. I don’t like that either so I make sure I get home before 10 so I can do my every two-week apt with my therapist.

SO I came over to his house and after a bit of time decided I wanted to ‘wash’ the entire contents of my laptop at Neil’s and sign in on my own, with my own password. He might still know the password, so now I sign out of everything. Somehow he knows this. He says I told him I changed my passwords and I always sign out of things now, he says “Like you are trying to hide something.”

“No,” I say. “I just want privacy.”

So ya, he has been on my computers. I actually took him off my email followers list, I wanted privacy here too. Because I got in shit for what I wrote, I did delete it.

So yes, I have changed my passwords, I make sure I don’t hit remember password. He would know that too as I made sure they were gone from the list of passwords. I don’t hAve all my email accounts on this computer, and if I opened one I would remove it from the added list. I am going beyond the normal sense of privacy. Yes, it looks like I am being secret, no I am not doing anything wrong. I don’t ask to read his stuff he is always messaging people, he closes facebook all the time, I don’t’ know the passwords to his email, and he doesn’t write so I don’t even have access to his thoughts lol

I guess total freedom would mean me being less paranoid. But no, I don’t want Neil to know my every move, or read what I say to others. I have demanded privacy now. And I was right, he had to have gone on my computer to see that I logged out of everything and changed passwords. He said I told him, yet I know I haven’t because I wanted to see if he would find out. I have been waiting for him to say something.

So no, not paranoia.

Freedom for me is when I feel totally secure in my relationship and not always be worried about affairs and what he is doing online or when he is alone in his house, while I go party. That would actually be freedom.

I don’t have freedom in friendships, very few I trust. Some I see as being toxic. And purposely. Paranoid? NO, I have examples, but writing and publishing always come with the risk of someone I know reading it so I won’t go into any more detail about that. I really see people. Neil doesn’t believe me when I say things about people, but now he has seen it a couple of times, actually being perfect examples of what I have been trying to tell him about the person. 

I don’t trust friendships. I thought I had gotten over it and found a few new friends that I thought I could trust. Then things happen. And then I shut down and back away.

Like I couldn’t get any of those friends my manuscript of the book I am writing, as it is diary and shit man, rumors would fly, hence why I write in a pen name. Maybe I ended up giving away my whole WordPress posts when I copied and pasted a link to a specific thing I wrote. 

I have the freedom to choose my friends as does Neil. His friends that he hangs out with are female. I Have issues with females, esp the single ones that he suddenly becomes best friends with. Now let’s gang up on Christie. Let’s be secretive about things. “Let me take over your friends.”

So I say to myself no more single female friends. It causes me huge amounts of insecurities.  I am trying to arrange things with other couples.

But you know what, I prefer the company of guys. And that is questionable, I don’t know that I have the freedom of having guys over on my own at my house, or going to theirs.

And then it’s about the guys I pick. ANyways. I just found freedom. I have become friends with a guy and we chatted about him supporting me musically and helping and added that he is asexual, which means he has no horny thoughts for me, as some of the other guys routinely make sexual remarks. A friend!!! A guy friend.!!! A musician!!! And Neil has nothing to worry about, so I will pursue this. Neil won’t chat with him. I bet I can trust him. I already do. He has soul.  Unfortunately, he has a long commute and I don’t know where you are all from but gas prices have doubled here. So too expensive to drive into the city, and he already does for his performances. BUT, and I am very excited about this, he said we could do video jams and he can help me with my stuff, and we can talk about songwriting together. It would be cool to come up with one together. 

He writes as I do. His songs are like my poetry. They aren’t about flowers, they are about struggles, and heartaches. My writing is heavily based on mental health. A goal for me is I am going to write a pretty song, a happy song. Gonna try really hard. 

So 5 pages lol. 

Freedom. I don’t feel like I have it in all aspects, freedom from paranoia would be, and is my main focus right now.

I have freedom to accept myself for who I am but need to focus on being as positive as I can and fighting the negativity and demons, that would be freedom.

All signed out – Freedom.

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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