I have a long journey here at the hospital where I have taken camp with some of my favourite things. I am eight days into the Eating Disorder Program. I have been wanting to write and update my posts with my current situation.

It wasn’t easy to ask for help, I have been waiting almost two years to get the support I need for my eating disorder and I am now in the program at the hospital in my town. I am very fortunate to be here. It is the hardest decision I have had to make, and it is the best decision I have made in a while.

Very exciting news, I am now allowed to go off the unit on my own, and yes to smoke.

I couldn’t go out and have been filling myself with nicotine products, one might say why? Why did I choose to smoke when I haven’t in a week? When I have all the nicotine replacements for free. But hear me out. (Justification that I don’t really need to justify)

One of the things that have been helping me manage and do as I am supposed to be to get off wards. I am a smoker. I have smoked pretty much all my life. I had quit for almost four years but started again after my mom passed two years ago.

Ok, I am lame. But This is my thought pattern. I am working at unravelling seriously forty years of body judging myself, abusing myself, unhealthy views about size, weight, how I look, if I am thin enough, will I still be loved if I am fat mindset.  I am working hard at erasing some of the most harmful habits I have grown to know as my friend, my buddy. My coping strategy of hurting myself has been long engrained in me and so I am here to fix that. I am here to learn how to love MYSELF unconditionally without it being only about how I look or how much I weigh.

My last ten years I have been with the same partner, I am starting to see things that are not working for me. Things that don’t support my growth and further validate myself that being as thin as I can be would mean my partner would love me more, I would be more attractive, sexier.

Today, I came home from a pass to go to the orthodontist to pick up my new retainer (LONG story here…..I had braces ten years ago and wear a retainer at night to keep my teeth in place. I have lost it several times and I am back and forth on wearing it, but now it is a must. I have so much tension on a regular basis, anxiety, and I clench my teeth. I have chipped my front tooth grinding and shattered one of my molars and had to have it removed, that gave me a bit of trauma but I am ok with it now. I did both of these things during the day, not at night, cause I had been wearing my retainer. Figured it had to be anxiety, and I expressed desire and gave reason to be put on an antianxiety, maybe I have said this before. The good news is with an increased dose of antianxiety my clenching is almost not there anymore. OK back to my initial comment, I went on this pass and my partner picked me up and drove me there and back, which is really sweet of him, as he works hard and took the time out for me to help me, so kudos to him for showing me how great of a person he is.

After my apt we stopped at my house because I was three minutes away home from ortho, we needed to feed my pet PacMan Frog, Pecan. At some point, and stupidly started talking about the fact that I had gained some weight. This is what was said to me, 

“Well, when you get back home you can start running like you used to and turn your fat into muscle and be toned.” 

Now maybe you may not know much about eating disorders, but I would think it would be common sense to not say something so unbelievably unhelpful. I shouldn’t have brought it up, but I wasn’t expecting that feedback.

I stood up for myself and said,

“Wow that was really fucking triggering “Neil”

“Oh sorry” He responds.

I also said, 

“I am trying to focus on healing myself, focus on learning how to eat, focus on whatever weight I get to with eating what I am supposed to be eating to be at my natural weight.

NO, I am told to go for a run and tone up. I have gained three pounds.

Funny I told my ortho dentist that I was in the Eating Disorder Program. 

His genuine concern, 

“What are you doing?”

“I restrict food and abuse laxatives.”

His response, 

“Why are you doing that to yourself, you are beautiful.”

Why couldn’t my partner say something like, it’s ok, I love you, you look beautiful.

NO, I get well start exercising. He has never in 10 years told me that I was beautiful.

Like I am not a Barbie, or your dream pin-up gal, but I am beautiful, I have beautiful eyes, strangers tell me that, guys reach out to me because of my eyes, You can see into my soul if you have pure intentions.

Never did I hear from him,

“You have beautiful eyes.”

From my partner.

Nothing, You are hot, oh you are so hot I want to fuck you. For ten years.

That used to make me feel really good. But our relationship had become so toxic I ended it when I found out he broke my confidence, telling my friendemy my secrets that I was paranoid that he was fucking her -sorry about the language but that is all there is, there was no love-making it was fucking. I was hot and sexy and fuckable.

Now I get told to exercise and turn my fat into muscle (Again I have gained 3 pounds.)

Stupid of me to bring numbers up with him, 

This girl yelled at me that I was abusive to him, told me I was selfish, ect.

MY partner decides to agree with this insecure woman who has been out to kill my vibe, to kill my self-esteem and it did work, but not. Long story but I picked up the guitar, and have 160+ videos on Youtube exploring my talents and growth as a musician, It isn’t perfect, my videos all have something imperfect and I am ok with that, cause some day some teenager is goin to come across my video and say,

“Wow, she is making mistakes, she isn’t perfect but proud enough of her efforts and happy.”

Happy, I have become their role model and maybe decrease their need for perfectionism and maybe they will get the guts to pick up a guitar, or another instrument and try. And try, And try to learn. This is a bit off-topic, but this is who I am. One of my best compliments from him (My x- partner) was you are perfectly imperfect, I laugh, I thought it was sweet, but it is true. And I am proud. I am proud I have the balls to stand on stage and pluck away at my guitar, mistakes and all and have my super dupper friends say wow, you really have been practising. I am proud enough and have enough self-esteem to post videos of me learning.

While I am on the path of sharing who I am, here is a link. This is my social nickname and here is my youtube channel. For friends here following me, here, here is me, the real me not hiding, here is my link, 

So here I am this is me. Why do I hide? I have lots to share, I have lots of things I am proud of.

Deborah, the Warrior, aka Dotty. This is me. I am not perfect, I am not stick-figured body perfect I don’t do perfect and I am ok with that. I do have a good deal of self-esteem to do what I love doing.

But I suck in relationships, I am insecure, I lack trust, I become clingy and paranoid that I will be replaced at a drop of a hat, which I really feel I have.

I am starting to get light bulb moments, today was one of them as I came back onto the unit in tears and having urges to make myself throw up the popcorn I had to eat for my snack or laxatives, and god knows what else was goin through my head. I hurt. I had some very special professionals who sees this as wrong and unhealthy, truley could be abusive if it was done emotionally to once again hurt me.

This here is the video I listen to every night, and whenever I feel I can’t handle the racing relationship thoughts, or the feeling worthless thoughts. This video, and several others are my coping strategies. I strongly, hopefully encourage you to sit back close your eyes and listen. It is half an hour long. If you want to know me, if you want to hear how I am healing, if you are interested, this is the video, and I am currently listening to it. 

I am getting ready for bed, and have so much I want to do. I found my light again this evening. I ate my snack with happiness and said,

“I can do this at home. This is what I want for me.”

“Will you be interested enough to watch and learn about me?”

“Let go of the things that don’t serve you so you can live to your fullest potential.”

I AM ENOUGH

I love you Deborah, unconditionally.

Thank you Mindful Movement for changing my life. 

Thank you Eating Disorder Program for opening my eyes and my heart.

Wish you all well, 

Deborah

PS Don’t listen to this when you are driving.

Categories: Uncategorized

Tagged as: eating disorder self esteem toxic relationships unconditional love

Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.