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Mommy, will you still love me if I am fat? -My Story

Jan 2022

I actually made a little booklet, this will be a long blog but I will add some pics. I was about 7 years old when I wrote that to my mom. “Will you still love me if I am fat?”

That was the first time I felt fat. I had a big belly, it wasn’t flat. My mom used to tell me to hold in my stomach. I developed faster than my peers and started menstruating at 9 years old. I was probably 100 pounds in grade 6. I wasn’t really fat, my mom used to say I was solid, told me I had a big frame. This might be hard to write.

So many of my pieces are being put together and maybe I will overcome them. 

Hi, I am Christie I have had eating disorders all my life. I am 50 now. There have been some health concerns and it is making me think twice about my current eating habits. I don’t want to go to an eating disorder clinic, because I am “ too fat” I told myself. I still believe it. I don’t want this to encourage people in a negative way. I get terribly caught up with numbers. I have number games, I have 2 scales, one digital and one of the other kind. I weigh myself every day, usually, both of them to make sure one wasn’t wrong. Weigh myself several times mostly and watch how I get 3 pounds fat in one day, to find it gone the next morning. I strip down, when it is really bad I weigh myself several times during the day. When I get really really bad I start taking off my jewelry to weigh myself…oh man. I relish in that right now. See to me that is a success. How low can I go?

My eating disorder started off with anorexia and I was admitted to hospital when I was 15 after seeing a summer pic of me with my fat shoulders in a tank top. That triggered me. I was at my ‘natural weight”

For the next few years, I battled binge/purge starve cycles. In grade 11 I had successfully rid myself of eating disorder behaviour. I was at a new school ready for better choices. And it really worked with me to change schools. 

Within the following couple of years, I became fixated on my weight again and I am not sure why but I was entering college and that put me on “starve the anxiety away mode”. My weight dropped, my mom was livid and had me weighed at the clinic every few days. I hated it.

My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me because of my eating disorder says I am too thin and he isn’t attracted to me. Well, that was ok because I met another guy that had the hots for me even if I was skinny. I ended up marrying the latter lol for 13 years. 

With my last partner, I was in restrictive mode and had my weight at my lowest. Stress, anxiety, not feeling good enough, get this..not being a good girl.*

This was a huge discovery for me today and it is pretty personal I don’t even know if I want my husband, Neil to know all the details, but I think if I share maybe it will help someone. 

More of my story is being caught up in bulimia, I was embarrassed as I knew anorexics and I hated myself more that I couldn’t get skinny like them. And oh I tried. I still do.

My current relationship is struggling with the whole eating disorder stuff. I have gotten my weight low, where I like it but I can’t maintain it while eating “normally” so I become very restrictive. If I “eat too much” I couldn’t go back to sticking my finger down my throat, but I felt justified and ok with the idea of bingeing on laxatives. So I did that. Esp after a weekend of camping and sitting around the fire with munchies.

I haven’t done that in a while now because I take the bus, and well bathrooms aren’t always handy.

But I have started the binge/restrict. Some of it I have to. Like I need 400 calories to take my Zeldox (antipsychotic for the treatment of bipolar) So that is my free binge, if I don’t I will only get half the dose. That is how this medication works.  Speaking of meds, I fuck around with them too, by not eating, by lowering the dose because I think they make me fat…end up manic? Oh but why?

It’s not very easy for someone who has been restricting to eat 400 cal right before bed. So…I don’t eat all day. When I do it’s a bit binge-y, like eating 4 heaping tbsp of peanut butter dipped in jam. (save carbs no bread haha). But I count that as a meal.

When I am with Neil in the evenings I have a hard time sitting down because of some hypomania, I can’t sit to watch tv. Figured out if I eat it helps me just stay put, so I snack, I like snacking in the evening, I have no desire during the day. And have no desire when I am alone. Neil actually cooks for me every 3 days because he knows I am not eating meals or healthy.

I tend to like sugary, candy “Fun -Dipp” Starbursts. Quality street, Had all of that this Christmas and gained my usual 5 pounds. I have come to the idea that every Xmas I gain 5 pounds and then I spend the next couple of weeks restricting. If I don’t eat with Neil I can maintain a low weight. Right now I am 7 pounds more than I want to be. I say I lose it in 2 weeks, but I have been around Neil a lot, and like I said I get evening munchies.

My eating disorder comes between us. Big time. He worries about me- “I am built like a bull and I am indestructible “ is my theory

However, no. I am going for tests. Blood work results came back and there are some issues. My Vit D is low, my sodium is low my good cholesterol is high but so is my bad cholesterol. 

I don’t eat fatty food, I don’t eat meat, I looked at some of the foods I eat have no cholesterol max I would get in a day is about 80 mg less than half the amount they recommend people for high cholesterol  (I did my research) I am not overweight (i like to be really thin) I exercise every day.

I have many questions, oh, and looks like I am heading into a diabetic diagnosis and I will be monitored every 3 months.

I have high blood pressure and my doc is sending me on tests. I discovered a lump on my groin, Lymph nodes… that is what I think it is, which leads me to another test I did, and looks as though I have a bladder infection so have to repeat that test. When I called him about my lump he ordered a full abdominal, pelvic, and inside of me (vaginally)  ultrasound. 

What? Is all this happening? WTF I am 50. I am still treating myself like I am 20. I am old. I have to take care of myself. I’m pretty sure I want to live past 90.

Oh and a chest X-ray because I am currently a smoker and a mammogram. I am that old now eh. Kind of makes me want to buy a cane.

A while ago I have mentioned to my doctors that I might want to get eating disorder help. My Dr. Shrink told me to let her know. I am going to talk to Dr. Therapy in 2 weeks. In the meantime, I am going to try a diabetic diet, though I know I will only pick one meal a day, at least I will try something.

I thought I did a good job hiding my eating disorders, or disordered eating, from my kids. I never looked in the mirror and say “I am fat” out loud. I never talked about diets, I was pretty good about food when my kids were young but I also had over 75 pounds to lose from pregnancies (both times) I also had gestational diabetes. ANyways my daughter has seen all my other actions, passing mirror sucking in my gut, focusing on my stomach, not eating much, making dinner, and not eating saying I ate earlier, which sometimes I did to avoid eating a meal. I never commented on my daughter or son’s weight, but my daughter knows, and she has had similar issues starting from the time she was 7. I actually realized she was trying to starve herself and I didn’t see it. But she was watching me, she was comparing her body to mine and at that time I was my thinnest I was “BMI underweight” I did try hard to not have it affect my kids. I tried hard.

Turns out I had a role model of restrictive eating, odd eating behaviors, and low weight. I learned too I am discovering.

 Dr. Theraphy and I spoke today “not being a good girl* 

Really too detailed but it turns out often I don’t feel like a good girl. I often make people mad, I do things wrong, I never do, I always forget, I don’t pay attention to you..

Sometimes people’s words hurt. Sometimes I don’t feel like a “good girl”. Sometimes I feel bad. When I feel bad I punish myself. When I feel bad I don’t eat. But when other people make me feel bad about myself. Even really close people. I really don’t want to eat. Dr sees a correlation between my growing up years and subsequent partners.

I’m a bad girl. I make people unhappy. I want to hurt myself. Those are some of the things that go through my head. The result is someone who ties emotion and eating, or not eating altogether.

All these tests are a wake-up call for me. I need to learn control, I need to learn to take care of my body…these are the years that will impact my future, my future health, and my well-being. 

Right now I am very anxious about my results and what if they find cancer, so no, not feeling like eating.

I did something today in hopes it makes Neil happy. I bought myself some healthy ingredients  I used to cook with. I bought tofu, sweet potatoes zucchini, and a box of fish sticks (not a good choice but it’s fish and I do like eating them, so I will eat them, really good dipped in bbq sauce. 🙂 ps the only item in my day with cholesterol, so I think it was 40 or 50 mg cholesterol.

And you know what? It actually made ME feel good. I am all about growth and making changes to suit success. 

I also saved and will print a 7-day vegetarian diabetic meal plan. I will start with that until I talk to my doctors, but I will be asking for help. I have decided. It’s time. I don’t feel old but I want to stay healthy.

I get caught up in numbers, calories, fat content, sugar content, now cholesterol, numbers on the scale. I have food fad, I can list a few,

High bran diet with extra dates, flaxseed, and extra bran powder.. for higher bran content, to hopefully flush my body out. Eating only pudding-like food. A can of pineapples for dinner

Canned tuna on rice cakes, Smoothies, several times, yogurt, I would eat 8 and call it 3 meals I could go on. I have never had a healthy attitude about food…I am vegetarian (Pescatarian-I eat fish) though making efforts to have certain foods with my kids, otherwise, I wouldn’t eat at all.

Current is peanut butter. 4 tablespoons =Meal. I actually had a very bad experience bingeing on peanut butter and feel so full and disgusting that I want, for the first time in a while I wanted to make myself sick but then I was horrified at the idea of aspirating on my own vomit.

I also looked at the binge behavior and the day I ate so much peanut butter, in a very binge-like way and I suddenly had a Deja Vu of coming home from school and doing the same thing. I freaked. In my mind I freaked. I vowed to never get so out of control and I purged on laxatives

My eating disorder has to also do with rejection issues. These are all things I learned while watching or remembering my behaviors and talking to a therapist for years, I am finally putting pieces together -this is why I did it then, this is why I am doing it now.

I am 50. How is the eating disorder clinic going to change that with CBT I have no idea and I know CBT, I am very curious, so…

***** Next day

I emailed Dr.Therapy and copy-pasted a link to an eating disorder facility and told him I would call Dr. Shrink tomorrow and ask for that referral she told me I could have it when I was ready.

I am ready. I decided to not fill my story with photos. Too triggering.

I never wanted to go to an eating disorder clinic because I am too fat. That is how I feel.

Disclosure my BMI is 20.8, normal and my constant goal is 19.5. (which is also normal I reckon) I live constantly in trying to get to that weight, and I do get there several times. Sometimes I am not as uptight, and my weight will be as it is now, which for reasons of knowingly eating too much and deciding to enjoy holidays and eat, I knew I would be triggered in the new year. I am staying home for a couple of days because I can’t lose weight when I am with Neil. So that should say something. It should say I need to change.

I start losing weight and I am triggered to play number games. Dangerous games.

That should say I need to change too.

But I am still a rock star 🙂

There are so much more details I could give but this is my story, it’s not a book. Not yet.

Just looked up BMI, I used to do this, check what my weight would be to consider underweight. That just triggered me, and I hope it doesn’t trigger you. This is just how my mind currently works and I am looking into it with hopes to make some changes to make me healthy I want to live another 50 years. I am just fulfilling dreams that I never even knew I had. Check out the Rock Star post. This is a different side of me.

Christine

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Christie F.

Welcome to my blog. I have been journal writing for years. I took a course in Creative writing and found I enjoy writing short stories and poetry. I write more when I am hypomanic or manic.
I went into Rehab for Alcohol Addictions and have been sober for fourteen years.
Shortly after I quit drinking I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 1.
I enjoy talking about my story, for people to learn or relate. I try and have a healthy lifestyle and try to use my coping strategies. Life is just too boring without Bipolar, it is a blessing but yet sometimes a curse.
I am currently working on a book and dream of publishing one day.
I am so excited to have found Wordpress.
This is my new adventure.

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